Rants In My Head

My mind is going crazy with so many thoughts. Last night I felt so many things: anxious all around, angry with situations, hopeful for mine and others' futures, sad for a few realities, awkward because of an unusual experience, scared because I looked up way too much information on cereal killers, and happy to spend time with my sister and have her be my therapist for the night. Oh a therapist. What is that anyway? I'm supposedly going to be one, shouldn't I know? I work with a bunch of them and interact with them on a daily basis. I encourage everyone I know to go to therapy or to trust the therapist they already have. But I've been telling myself to go to my own therapy for over two years now and still haven't. What is that all about? I tried once, but I couldn't schedule an appointment for three months so I just gave up. And now I get to go sell myself next Monday in front of a bunch of experienced therapists with PHD's from 9 am to 5:30 on how much I want to learn to be a therapist just like them. I do believe that anyone and everyone can benefit from therapy and that no one is too good for it or should be ashamed for going. We all have problems, inadequacies, and the need to feel heard. Even me. Especially me. I love that everyone always says the people who go into psychology/therapy are the ones who have problems themselves. Well that may be so, but I think it's also the people who care about human behavior and how to maximize on that behavior to help create the best possible situation for someone else. We will see. I know I'm just second guessing myself because I'm scared I might fail. You know that thing where you think you might fail so you start thinking of reasons why you may not even want to succeed anyway, so that you might feel better when/if you do fail. There is a psychological term I learned in social psych to define it, but I can't remember. Yeah, I'm definitely doing that. I do want to be a therapist. I want to help others, bottom line. I want to help myself build a career and provide for my family. I want to learn from these experienced professionals and work my butt off to write a thesis and discover something important. I want to do something that means something to me, and I think this is it. I know if I don't do it I will regret that for the rest of my life. I'm not the stay at home mommy type. Not right now at least. I need something for myself, my own little project. My dream is to be the official therapist for something like The American Ballet Theater because I know for sure that every professional ballet dancer could use a little bit of mental help. But realistically, that dream is not going to happen. Instead I'll have my own small ballet company and do probably 15 hours of therapy a week. Kids will get thrown into this mix eventually and probably take over my life. I will probably devote all my time to them and by then I'll and have some very large dogs and a grassy yard with a fence. Ideally a horse ranch. Well, ideally my horses will be living at Tess' horse ranch nearby my beautiful house with a wrap around porch and a swing. I wouldn't mind living in the house my parents live in now, but who knows. Anyway, I'm ending this post. I miss my husband right now, but luckily I've got Tess. I feel better now. Time to start a new week. Goodnight!