"There'll be a falling out that I've no wish to see
If we don't call each other out
Then we will both get off scott free
And you can be you and I'll get to stay me"
This Rachael Yamagata song played tonight and it reminded me of couples in therapy and then it reminded me of myself at times. It feels safer not to mention anything, not to make ripples in any relationship. But that's such a lie! It's so much more genuinely safe to have REAL relationships. The kind where you can actually be yourself and the other person can be themselves. And the real selves may drive each other mad sometimes, but it's all out on the table. All the frustration and hurt is on the table as well as all the love. Change is a scary thing. Every one of my clients wants so deeply for life to be different, but all of them have some sense of fear that if they try, they may still be unhappy or that the trying is too painful/scary/different. I get it. I hate change, it takes me a really long time to adjust to things. And most times, I have a terrible attitude about it. I'm pessimistic, thinking of the worst that could happen (anxiety). And when things don't go smoothly, I blame someone or something. Then when that doesn't do the trick, I blame myself for being weak, emotional, or scared of life. Yeesh, self disclosure...to this unknown corner of the internet. Those last words, "I'll get to stay me", they sound so comfortable. But just because we are comfortable, doesn't mean we are being real. It's actually pretty UNcomfortable to be real nowadays. I think part of me is always resisting change or directions from others, you know that thing where someone tells you to do something, even lightly suggests or tiptoes around it and it's automatically like, "yeah, no", just because someone else said it? That's me 100%. Unless you are someone I really look up to and then I will believe anything and everything you say. I'm just writing over here, feeling really thankful that I have a handful of people in my life who I do feel comfortable enough to be myself, admit to my mistakes, and make ripples. The only reason I know I can do this is because I've been brave enough to risk it and then in turn, these people have responded with acceptance and understanding. Sometimes even praise. It feels so good to be your ugly, imperfect self that you started hiding back in elementary school because you thought it wasn't cool and to have people say, "I actually love that about you". But they can never say that to you if you don't risk it! You may be rejected. People might turn away saying, "You're too honest" or, "You're not fitting into my idea of you". And of course that hurts. But you try again. And you find the people who are worth showing. Those are the people who say, "Hey, you're kinda weird, and it's kind of refreshing, I think I'll be weird with you!". And that's a match. Thank you husband, sister, brother, best friends, parents, select in-laws, kids, and pets who give me the space to be myself. It's been a journey, one in which I will always be on. Being brave enough to own who you are and your emotions is something I will always respect in others and strive for. That's why therapy clients are as brave as they come.
Okay, done.
