Risk to be real.

"There'll be a falling out that I've no wish to see
If we don't call each other out
Then we will both get off scott free
And you can be you and I'll get to stay me"

This Rachael Yamagata song played tonight and it reminded me of couples in therapy and then it reminded me of myself at times. It feels safer not to mention anything, not to make ripples in any relationship. But that's such a lie! It's so much more genuinely safe to have REAL relationships. The kind where you can actually be yourself and the other person can be themselves. And the real selves may drive each other mad sometimes, but it's all out on the table. All the frustration and hurt is on the table as well as all the love. Change is a scary thing. Every one of my clients wants so deeply for life to be different, but all of them have some sense of fear that if they try, they may still be unhappy or that the trying is too painful/scary/different. I get it. I hate change, it takes me a really long time to adjust to things. And most times, I have a terrible attitude about it. I'm pessimistic, thinking of the worst that could happen (anxiety). And when things don't go smoothly, I blame someone or something. Then when that doesn't do the trick, I blame myself for being weak, emotional, or scared of life. Yeesh, self disclosure...to this unknown corner of the internet. Those last words, "I'll get to stay me", they sound so comfortable. But just because we are comfortable, doesn't mean we are being real. It's actually pretty UNcomfortable to be real nowadays. I think part of me is always resisting change or directions from others, you know that thing where someone tells you to do something, even lightly suggests or tiptoes around it and it's automatically like, "yeah, no", just because someone else said it? That's me 100%. Unless you are someone I really look up to and then I will believe anything and everything you say. I'm just writing over here, feeling really thankful that I have a handful of people in my life who I do feel comfortable enough to be myself, admit to my mistakes, and make ripples. The only reason I know I can do this is because I've been brave enough to risk it and then in turn, these people have responded with acceptance and understanding. Sometimes even praise. It feels so good to be your ugly, imperfect self that you started hiding back in elementary school because you thought it wasn't cool and to have people say, "I actually love that about you". But they can never say that to you if you don't risk it! You may be rejected. People might turn away saying, "You're too honest" or, "You're not fitting into my idea of you". And of course that hurts. But you try again. And you find the people who are worth showing. Those are the people who say, "Hey, you're kinda weird, and it's kind of refreshing, I think I'll be weird with you!". And that's a match. Thank you husband, sister, brother, best friends, parents, select in-laws, kids, and pets who give me the space to be myself. It's been a journey, one in which I will always be on. Being brave enough to own who you are and your emotions is something I will always respect in others and strive for. That's why therapy clients are as brave as they come.

Okay, done.

Post grad school

I'm sitting here in my bed, wondering why I even have a blog. It's basically my journal I guess (that I never write in). Life after grad school is well...boring, very adult, a bit lonely, freedom, nostalgia, and good self-care. It's so many things. Some things are good, like having free time to focus on my health, mental sanity, and husband. But other parts are less good, like not being around people, not constantly learning new information, and having more feelings of responsibility. Even though I have much less "stuff" to do, I feel more pressure on me to make money, get licensed, and make this degree useful. At first, watching hours of t.v., having alone time, and reading my choice of books was great, but now it's pretty boring and lonely. I will say though, getting paid to do therapy is a very nice change.

Anyway, I obviously have mixed emotions about it and could keep writing for a few pages on that. 

Life lately has been good. Ed and I have started a new diet that might kill me. It's no sugar, no flour, and low fat. It literally cuts out everything good and tasty. Every day we eat greek yogurt, vegetables, fruits minus bananas, chicken, and the occasional wild rice or couscous. Also boiled eggs. That may not sound so horrible, but day after day, I'm going crazy. I'm literally having dreams about sugar. Two nights ago in my dream, there was a great party outside on the lawn with a bonfire and dancing with all my family and best friends. I stopped by in a bakery shop to order some treats for the party (this was during the day when the party was just getting started). Then the owner of the shop, a sweet old lady, offered me the bowl to lick. She had just made some cake batter. I gladly accepted and licked the bowl clean. Then she kept offering me bowl after bowl: cookie dough, brownie batter, even caramel for making caramel apples. I COULD NOT stop. I saw the party outside and by this time it was pitch black outside, I was missing the whole party, but I couldn't tear myself away from the treats. When I finally pulled myself away from the bakery and went to the party, it started raining and everyone ran away.

I won't even get into the dream I had last night about being at Molly's, one of my favorite places to eat. Yikes, I never knew how much I loved sugar and it's literally in everything! The diet is working so far, so I'm keeping with it. Ed is a champ and is doing it with me to be supportive. He obviously has nothing to lose in the body fat department, but it's so much easier when your spouse is on board too.

In other news, we are planning an awesome trip with our friends to California soon. I can't wait to sink my feet in the sand and laugh until I cry. Also, Tess is coming home from her mission! Now I know I shouldn't be too excited about this because she wasn't supposed to be coming home until December and she's having really painful health problems, but I'm actually so happy!

I started a quilt. Yes, I'm that bored.
I'm reading books. Yes, I'm that bored. 
I'm going to the rec center every day and doing insanity, piyo, and u-jam classes...so good!
Ed is still working like 5 jobs and trying to finish his thesis.
Kona is more cuddly and comes in between us each night to get pet, purr, and stays there for about an hour while we are falling asleep.
Pearl is a dog. Who knew we were getting a puppy when we took her from Reagan's farm. She rolls in the dirt, digs holes outside, and yelps like a puppy. And yes, she still sucks on my ear, only mine :)

Lots of my friends just had babies or are pregnant. To say I'm baby hungry is an understatement, but I'm still deathly afraid of being pregnant. Oh and that being a mom thing seems really hard too.

I'm writing all around the map, but what I really wanted to do was record how I'm feeling at this time right now, trying to be more mindful. So right this moment, at 11:18 PM, I'm hungry, a tad stressed about my sessions tomorrow, I feel happy about making progress in my goals, I'm giddy about talking to Tess, and I'm glancing at Kona sleep at the end of the bed wishing I was her. 

I wrote this as a draft while mourning the end of my masters degree.

But really, who knew graduating with my masters degree would be so emotional? I have cried just about every other day in the shower when I think about my cohort and how much the MFT program has meant to me. I'm just overwhelmed with the feeling of ending this and having to move on, knowing it will never be the same again. The last two years have been the best years of my life. I have grown more than I could ever know and learned lessons that I couldn't have learned any other way. The people I have spent the last two years with will forever be special to me. Today after I got home from our closing banquet, I just cried. And when we all stood up to be honored and everyone was clapping, and I looked around the room and my whole cohort standing. I locked eyes with a few and had this overwhelming feeling of joy and love. I love them like I've never loved a group of people. Each person means something different to me and has taught me something important about being a human. Words don't describe how grateful I am for the blessing to have been in this program with these people at this time.

2013 !@#*%^!#*

2013 has been my hardest year yet, and I never want to forget what I did. In 2013, I...

Completed almost 500 hours of therapy with individuals, couples, and families
Felt the magic of Disney World
Showed my true lack of navigation skills when I made us miss our flight out of Orlando 
Rode a horse bareback
Learned more about myself than ever before; the good and the less good
Proposed a thesis 
Thought about getting a PHD and quickly dismissed that crazy idea
Stressed, I keep saying this two year program has taken at least 5 years off my life
Loved on my cats and still let Pearl suck on my ears at night
Went to a cabin with my best friends and played murder in the dark for hours 
Also drove a four wheeler over awesome mud puddles and felt really adventurous
Wrote a paper and submitted it for publication to get my scholarship
Relied heavily on my best friends (my cohort) and my husband
Got depressed for a while at the end of summer
Became baby hungry for the first time
Discovered Swig cookies
Ran more miles than ever
Deliberately lost weight (more to work on for 2014)
Said goodbye to my sister for 1.5 years
Cussed with clients and cried with clients
Got 9 cavities filled
Went to the Atlanta temple and Orlando temple
Did the vegetarian thing for a month
Idolized a few of my professors
Ate a penis shaped doughnut at Vudoo Doughnuts in Portland
Listened to a lot of Tegan and Sara, Elvis, Eminem, and Mariah Carey
Binge watched TV with Ed
Took Ed's spin class (he's the best teacher there is)
Got some clients really mad
Helped some clients get really happy
Developed a love for doing puzzles with Ed 
Took my first ballet class in 4 years
BYU football games
Watched "The Man With the 150 Pound Scrotum" with my mother-in-law and laughed our heads off
Cried silent tears, public tears, ugly cried, held back tears, ALL THE TEARS 
Learned to "be still" 
Felt really inadequate and honored to be so many people's therapist 
Strengthened my testimony of God's love for me and all his children tenfold

Thank you, 2013 for making my life Hell on Earth some of the time so that I could grow. The only title appropriate for this post was the F word in all caps, but I knew I would offend too many people. It was really hard a lot of the time, but I also experienced some of the most special moments that will stay in my heart forever. My friends are the best I've ever had and I know they are the friends I will have for life. I realized how absolutely lucky I am to have Ed as my sweetheart and saw him do great things this year as well. It's always better looking back, so now that it's over, I can say 2013 was rewarding and worth it. I'm usually really nostalgic and never want the year to change, but hey, I hate 3's, love 4's, and I'm ready for a new theme aside from the F word! Bring on 2014!

oh dear...

NINE! 

9 cavities. 

Marriage has officially ruined me. I haven't been to the dentist in 4 years and I guess that's what I get. But also, thanks a lot Utah, I obviously need fluoride in my water. 

I'm going back next Friday to have my entire mouth numbed and drilled into.

As for now, I will eat as many sweets as possible on Thanksgiving to get more of my money's worth with these cavities. 

And what's worse? Ed only had 3. Not that I wanted him to have more because all together this is costing over $1,000, but I am definitely embarrassed especially since he is the cavity king.

I realize there could be way bigger things to complain about concerning health, so I'm pretty blessed to only have 9 cavities and otherwise be healthy.

But seriously, pure panic when they told me. I was hoping to not have one.

Luckily, they promised me laughing gas, so that should be fun.

One other random note, who has watched Dexter? We finished the 4th season last night and we are so torn up about it with no one to talk to. 

First world problems right? I love life and I'll be less whiny from now on.

In other news, a kid in Alabama killed a wild boar weighing 1,050 pounds...I love my country.

Please no cavity

I'm literally freaking out about going to dentist tomorrow morning. There are a lot of reasons why I'm scared, but I just needed to write it down somewhere. I may have my first cavity and the thought of the numbing shot makes me want to shrivel up and hide. I have this thing with shots and needles, like I'm gagging right now. If I have a cavity, I will most likely cry. And fabulous, I have 4 clients after that. 

In other news, we are going to Georgia for Christmas and I can't explain how happy that makes my heart. I haven't been back to my home since I started the MFT program! I'm practically a new person now and I've just gone through one of the best/craptastic years of my life. It's all I can do now to not give up on life and just lie in my bed waiting for the day that my plane leaves. Of course, I will have to come back, but it will be the easiest semester. Maybe the most stressful because of the big question of employment, but overall easy in comparison. I'm so excited, I'm even skipping over Thanksgiving in my mind. I need to sit in my bedroom, I need to play on my piano, and I need to see my family.

Hey, I proposed my thesis and I passed. Now to write the rest of it and be done with academic research papers forever!

Nothing else is new. I love my clients. I love people's problems. I love people's personalities. I especially love loving clients who I didn't expect to love so much. 

Okay goodnight. Praying for no cavities.

Rambly journal entry

Kona hurt her leg :( The vets don't know if it's a torn ligament, sprain, strain, etc. but she is healing now. The poor girl probably thinks she is stuck limping for the rest of her life and I wish I could tell her it's going to be alright and she can run again eventually. It hurts my heart to watch her limp around, but she's getting more mobile every day. She was wandering too far from our lawn outside, so I told Ed to throw her back onto the lawn. I didn't mean for him to throw her from where he was standing, but he was apparently following really good directions that night and threw her from where he was standing, which was way too far. She landed weird and that's that. Ed felt horrible and guilty, but it was a genuine accident. Although, I did whisper in her ear that night, "I would never throw you that far, ever."

Ed took me on a great date last Friday night. He bought me beautiful flowers, wrote me a love note, took me to the canyon and taught me how to make a fire. We cooked foil bakes and roasted s'mores. Then he took me to a late movie that was so intense! The movie is called Prisoners and I was holding my breath the whole time. Ed really is good at swooning me when he wants to. The next night we rode our bikes to the BYU game and stopped by Costa Vida for dinner on the way. We lost the game, but it was fun night nevertheless.

We have been working out almost every day together. Two weeks ago I ran 9 miles and last week I ran 12 miles! That's more than ever in my life. It's a slow process, but I really want to keep getting better at running. I won't mention my pace for those 12 miles, but let's just say Ed can walk next to me. Granted, he is freakishly tall, but I am also going tortoise pace.

It's getting cold here now and I broke out the hot cocoa last night. Usually every winter Ed and I drink hot chocolate every single night. It's a fun tradition and it makes my tummy warm and kind of hurt, so it puts me to sleep quicker. Does anyone else get a tummy ache after drinking hot chocolate? A good kind of tummy ache?

Tess is still on her mission in New York waiting on her visa. She's loving it, but anxious to get to Brazil. She's a great example to me and I'm so proud of her! I'm missing my parents lately so much. I never realized until now that when I'm super stressed and overwhelmed, all I want is a hug from my mom and dad and to sit down at my piano in Georgia while my dad bakes a pie. Homesick much? Yes, pretty much 100% of the time now.

I've decided what my ideal life will be like: Being a licensed MFT and doing about 20 hours of therapy a week in private practice with all couples. Teaching ballet at a studio that is not too serious, but serious enough that it reminds me of ABA back home (no teaching little ones either...teenagers only). And then having about 4 kiddos of my own, a big dog, a fenced in backyard, and a modest home that is comfortable. Also I must go on some type of vacation every 6 months, even if it's just a day trip to the city or something. This is me dreaming as realistically as I can. I really think all of this could be possible and it's exactly what I want. Ed and I like to dream a lot and we often dream of traveling the world together and not having jobs, responsibilities, or kids, but honestly that would get old and I would feel like I had no purpose. 

I was feeling pretty low in July, August, and some of September, but I can feel myself pulling out of it. Thank goodness because I was freaking myself out with how mopey I was being. I could probably label it as a depressive episode, but I'd rather just call it "feeling blue". It sounds less permanent that way and I kind of hate diagnoses. I could go on a rant about that, but I'll spare whoever is reading.

I'm currently loving school. My classes are interesting and not too hard. I have great teachers and I'm interested in most of the material. It's the extra stuff that's hard on me right now. Clients, thesis, intake work, and coding PLUS class and schoolwork is just hard to juggle. Luckily I'm at about 350 hours out of 500 of therapy, so I'm on track to graduate in April. I'm also about to propose my thesis in October and then I can finish that up. This stuff is freaking hard! The last year of my life has the been the hardest, but the most rewarding. I'm just trying to hold onto the good parts right now instead of the hard and emotional roller coaster parts. There is no way I could have survived this program without Ed's amazing support and the friendship of my sweet cohort.