post just to post

It's been a fun couple of weeks and it's going to get even better for Ed's birthday this weekend. Last week I had my Halloween party and it was a great success. My cohort is amazing and I loved hanging out with them outside of class.
I've been shopping with friends and getting some serious steals for therapy clothes, you know the whole professional looking thing? Ya, my closet isn't exactly qualified for that.
Ed and I have watched scary movies almost every night. My favorites have been The Skeleton Key and Hannibal (although I've had some really freaky dreams afterward).
We also went to our Single's Ward Halloween party. It was a dinner and dance which proved to be somewhat awkward but still fun as Ed and I boogied pretty much alone the whole time.
Tonight we are going 80's dancing to celebrate Ed's birthday like the old days and I can not wait. It's been so long!
I'm still loving my program, but it's definitely getting harder academically and emotionally. I can't believe I could have my first client next week! My only hope is that they don't ask, "Am I your first client?". Anything else I think I can handle, but that question will probably make me want to cry. Whatever happens I know I'll live through it and move on, right?

I'm totally out of things to say, I feel like my mind goes blank more often lately and I just think of nothing sometimes. Maybe my brain is working too hard? 

It's been a while...

      I feel like I should write a million pages about grad school, but to sum it all up: There is tremendous value in therapy and I've seen it help people. People are good through and through, they just don't know how to be good in some situations. We are relational beings: relationships heal, relationships hurt...healthy relationships are everything. My teachers are brilliant and inspiring people. The workload is really not too terrible, just a lot of reading, oral presentations, and a few projects. I actually DO my reading (this is huge) and it actually interests me (even more huge). I LOVE my cohort and I know we are all in this program together for a reason. I know for a fact that I'm in the right place at the right time, a feeling I was never completely sure about in my psychology undergrad. I am beyond happy in this program and feel very blessed to have this experience.

Happenings around here: 
* I'm planning the most awesome Halloween party for my cohort and I'm going a tad bit obsessive. Oh well, I've got to make life more exciting every once in a while. I've planner a spooky scavenger hunt outside with lots of decorations and treats! Now we just need a costume for Kona (Pearl is wearing the island hussy from last year) and a we need something good for Ed and I to be. Any ideas? I was thinking Joan and Cooper from Mad Men, but people around here don't really watch much Mad Men...a little too racy for the average Provo dweller, so I'd rather do something people know. 
* It's finally Fall! The best time of the year for clothes, food, weather, and anticipation for all the best holidays! I'm so excited for our leaves to turn bright red all over the house just like last year. I've bought spiced pumpkin candles and plenty of hot chocolate for the next few months. 
*Ed update: obsessed with Tetris, beyond busy with bishopric, wellsteps, masters program, and research, dented my brand new mac today but I'm telling myself it was an accident to not be mad, sweet husband lately offering free foot massages, dropping me off at school on his only day to sleep in, cuddling at night without screaming "stop touching me, I'm so hot!", listening to me talk about my day while making dinner together and so on. It's the simple things that matter. 
* We've decided on Burley for Thanksgiving (bring on the chocolate pie and all the rest of Karen's cooking!) and a California roadtrip for Christmas! Yay, we are officially grown ups doing our own thing for the holidays. 
* Tess is going on a mission! Thanks to an awesome announcement in general conference and I'm so excited for her! I can't wait to see where she goes! She will be the first missionary I every write consistently (I can be terrible friend sometimes).
* Politics are going to be the death of me. I took two pages of notes during the first presidential debate to try and form my own Amanda opinion and I don't know what to do. Don't give me your input paaaaleeeeease. I don't want to hear another mormon telling me to vote for Mitt and trying to make people feel bad for having a different opinion that may even lead to voting for Obama. Oh no! The enemy! Come on people, it's not like he wants America to suffer, he's a good person, he just has a different opinion than you. It's OKAY, America is not going communist or socialist or whatever other end of the world assumption you want to make. Okay I'm ranting. I hate politics! It makes me really not want to vote because I honestly don't like either one, but Ed says it's un-American to not vote and he won't let his wife commit such a crime. All I know is that I'm friends with way too many extreme voters on facebook and I am never commenting on anything political again (learned my lesson while trying to be Christlike haha a story for a different day). It's never good when you offend family members on facebook in something related to politics. I hope no one takes this paragraph offensively either, I'm just sick of the strong, hate the enemy opinions from both sides. 

Well I've probably written enough to get a good picture of life now. It's happy go lucky, but busy. A good busy. I need the busy life to be happy.

Nerves, Doubt, Anticipate, Dread

Remember how I thought I was excited to start my program tomorrow? I was wrong. It's pure nerves, doubting, anticipating, dreading. I feel like I'm on Goliath the roller coast at Six Flags. I'm on the uphill before the ridiculously scary drop and then there will be another two years of ups and downs and scary and maybe a little bit of fun when it's all said and done. Just a few weeks ago when I rode this ride for the first time I thought I would pee my pants. On the slow uphill climb I had my head in Ed's shoulder refusing to look at how high I was and tears were welling up in my closed eyes. I screamed bloody murder the entire ride only stopping to take a big breath to scream more. Just ask Ed, he hated me afterward and for the rest of the day my cousins avoided sitting next me on anything scary because they were afraid for their eardrums. That's how I feel right now. Maybe tomorrow I will feel better after my first class, group therapy. Yes, one of my classes is participating in group therapy with my cohort. Wonderful. I think it will be fun, unless I really hate some of them and then it will just be awkward. The voice in my head is saying, "Be yourself, Amanda. Don't be anyone else. Be you." I'm going to try really hard to do that, because my natural tendency is to really try to have everyone like me and to be boringly fake so that I don't stand out too much but just enough so that people say, "Oh she's nice, I like her". Does anyone know what I mean?

Telos was interesting this week. I ended up working 4 full days because a teacher got sick, so I subbed her classes. It was great fun. Two things are memorable from those four days: 1. Getting called a bitch by two different boys and 2. having one boy come to me telling me that on a hard day for him, he read the note I gave him on my last official day and it made him cry. I almost cried when he told me that (out of happiness) and I also felt a twinge of cry when the boys called me a bitch (out of being called a bitch of course). What's profound from that? Nothing really, it just made me think about emotion in general and how I handle it. There's such a broad spectrum of emotion. Like when these boys called me a bitch under their breath to each other, I didn't address it right then. I didn't want to make a scene because I had already just made one by kicking out their friend for being disgustingly inappropriate while speaking in French (I caught on because of a hand gesture and the words "peanut butter", so use your imagination). I just waited until the end of class and then confronted them. I couldn't be completely sure that they were specifically calling me that lovely word, but the context was definitely there: I am the only girl in the room, I'm barking orders at them to do their work and stop talking, I just kicked out their friend and took away his participation points, and they are whispering so I won't hear. Yeah, I'd say they were talking about me. So, when I confront them, one of them breaks out in a flurry of manipulation and is acting extremely upset that I would ever accuse him of such a thing. He is breathing hard and bringing drama to every word he says as he explains that they were just saying the word to each other, but not actually talking about me. I said flat out, "That's bull shit, tell me the truth". He went on and on about he abhors when men are disrespectful to women and that I deserve the utmost respect because I am his teacher. I am nodding my head and saying, "I hear you, I can't be sure, so I'm not going to give you a consequence, but I wanted you to know that you hurt my feelings and I expected more from you". He continues with the drama, still denying any part of it and finally the other boy who has been standing in silence cuts him off, "Amanda, I called you a bitch, I'm really sorry, I love you." AH HA! I look straight at the bull shitter and say "Thank you boys, you can go to your next class, I appreciate your honesty" as I look back at the one telling the truth. So there's that story, sorry for the language, that's just how it happened. I just found it so interesting that the two instances that almost made me cry were completely opposite. The other scenario is with this boy who really struggles with his identity, sexuality, just everything and he wishes he was not the way he is. In my note to him I told him to forget about what people think of him and to just be himself because the boy I know, I love. Something like that, just trying to get him to accept himself and love himself by telling him that I don't wish him to be any different and that he is my great friend just the way he is. And it touched him on a hard day when I had been gone a month and he remembered to read it again. It meant so much to me when he told me that because a lot of times at Telos you just have to accept the fact that the boys don't care about you half as much as you care about them. So my heart was warmed and my heart was hurt for a second this week. I've learned so much from Telos, I can't imagine going into this grad program without the experiences and growth I've had since working there.

Anyway, I need to take my own advice: be myself and love myself. This is the hardest lesson to learn for a lot of people except for the few narcissists of this world, don't worry I ran into several of those at Telos as well. Oh, the stories! I'm sure I will be ranting and rambling about all the emotional things about my program because it really helps me write things down. Maybe this post was a ramble. Good luck to everyone starting a new semester!

Alone time

I've always been baffled by the people who say they need "alone time". What is that anyway? And WHY? I hate being alone, I can't function alone.

 But tonight I'm getting it. Tonight I'm sitting on my couch, eating Brick Oven from across the street, and watching So You Think You Can Dance with my two buddies, Pearl and Kona. I'm searching the internet for pillows in my newly improved living room and getting all kinds of ideas for projects. During commercials I'm watching my favorite clips of sytycd and listening to these two hilarious voices.

I've been going back to Telos the last three days and one more day tomorrow. It's been fun, but I sure am glad that the commitment of going there every day is over. It's a miracle that I'm finally excited to start grad school. I'm excited to be busy and to grow as a person. I've been emotional lately, more than usual, but it's fine. I think it's me secretly freaking out about my life. It's odd to think that after these two years I have the potential to have a real job and then maybe pop out a kid. Maybe move to the south or maybe somewhere totally random. Who knows. 

Anyway, in the process of writing this they just kicked off the best girl on the show, Audrey and I'm pissed. I'm turning off the tv and moving on to the song I can not stop listening to, Gila by Beach House. The video is weird, but just go with it.

Summer Recap

It's been a while, so I'm about to just blab.

Today was our first day in our new SINGLES WARD! That's right, Ed got called as the second counselor in the bishopric of a BYU singles ward. At first I was dreading it, but after going today I think it will actually be a lot of fun and I will probably make a lot of new friends.

We just got back from GA on Friday. It was a blast and it sucks to have to go back to real life again. The best thing about being there is my house. It feels so peaceful to me. I can wail on my piano, sit on the porch swing during a rainstorm, stare at the pond in silence listening to cicadas and frogs, and zone out riding in the car gawking at green everywhere. I will always love Georgia.

I am slightly freaking out about grad school. Enough said.

Before Georgia was the Christenson reunion. I survived doing the 1 mile swim in the river for Spudman and got closer with a few of Ed's siblings. We also had a testimony meeting together that was so great and I got to see another tender side of the family, which I loved.

We have been married 3 years now. We rock. 

Tess comes home from Africa tomorrow and I can't wait to see her cornrows and have her here in Utah with me! 

We have successfully watched 4 seasons of Breaking Bad and a lot of Olympics on our down time. 

I have had a chance to reconnect with several friends in the last few weeks and it has really motivated me to be a better friend. I want to serve my friends and show them that I care about them instead of relying on them to build me up.

Eating healthy starts tomorrow. Be good this time around, Amanda.

Our landlord tried kicking us out for having a cat. Two years late and this guy can SUCK IT. We're staying and that's that. Unless anyone knows of a place in Provo under $700 that allows cats!???

That's all for now. I love my Edward, my Kona, and my Pearl. I love our crappy apartment. I love our new ward, single and excited about life. I love that I am blessed to be at BYU. I love my friends new and old. I love that Ed loves me. I love that we have fun together every single day without fail. I love being truly happy for other people's successes. I love places and people that bring me joy. And I love the gospel.

Ed looks beyond cute in this picture. 

Noteworthy from Africa

My sister, Tess, is in Africa and has been sending emails about her experience. These are a few segments from her I wanted to share. 

"Yesterday, we visited with Martha, an albino who fights for albino rights in Tanzania. They are considered a curse here and witch doctors target them. People hunt them down and chop off their limbs to grind up in a stew. then kill them afterwards. They think it brings them wealth. It's sickening. Kate and I met with Martha yesterday and she was telling us how hard of a time she is having. She is going to lose her job for being albino, which means she will have no money to help the other albinos. This is a dang strong woman, but when I gave her a hug, she started crying, which was too much for me. I didnt want to cry  in front of her, but the moment her taxi pulled away, I sat down and couldn't help it. Here's the amazing thing: I'm sitting on the ground crying like a baby, when a car pulls up and Martha gets out. She came over just to comfort me,  hugging me and saying, "I know. I know." That is the woman she is. With so many problems, she still stopped her taxi to make sure we were okay."

"The people of Africa are so giving, cheerful, friendly, faithful and gracious. They have such a different way of life. Sometimes I love it. Sometimes I hate it, but in the end, I have found that we are all so very human, regardless of where we are born. Our environment HUGELY affects our outlook on social issues and the way we live our everyday lives, but people are people. We all have our secret struggles and insecurities. We are all just trying to do the best we can with what we have. Coming here and really getting to know the good and bad of people has made the world feel much much smaller. NOBODY is perfect, but we ALL have good in us. That's such a gift from God. Everyone has something good to offer. The children of Africa always blow me away with their love and innocence. Anytime they receive a gift or treat, they immediately return to the other children and share among them."

And this one's funny: 

"I'm sure I have mentioned before that Africans have less of a personal bubble. That doesn't bother me, but the teacher at Your Sisters orphanage just crosses the line. She will talk to me so close that her lips are rubbing on my face and she strokes my leg and she kept pretending to try to breast-feed me! Yeah, super awkward. I'm a little scared of her, so now I kinda just avoid her."

What!? I'm baffled by that, how does one adult pretend to breastfeed another adult? 

And here's the picture of the day. They are best friends, they just don't realize it yet :)  

meet little miss Pearl

There has been a lot of stalking, hissing, growling, batting with paws, and even play biting around here between Kona and her new play toy. But then there's the brief cuddles and the recent motherly cleaning of Pearl's fur (cutest thing I've ever seen Kona do). 

We love these two. 

Screw our most hated neighbors and landlord for finally trying to kick us out for having a pet after having Kona for two years. That just shows how inefficient they are right? Two full years!

Happy fourth of July on Wednesday. We will be grilling everything under the sun and can't wait.

completely babbling all to say welcome home, Kona

Ed went to San Francisco and loved it. I spent last week with Kelli, Hetty, and Grace, thank goodness for them. We started a new quarter at Telos and it looks like it's going to be a good one. I bought some new clothes finally. My parents are in St. Martin this week, so it's really a miracle I'm even getting out of bed in the morning, go me. We are officially going to Georgia in August, hence why I have a reason to get up in the morning. Tess leaves for Africa soon. My beautiful niece, Ellie is one. It's national run day, so I'm obligated to go on a run with Tedward. I'm teaching pointe next semester and I think I'm excited about it. I just took a way-too-long nap and feel disgusted with myself. I can't believe Emily kicked off Charlie from Bachelorette. I watched Miss USA this week and loved every minute of it (childhood dream!). My eyelashes are amazing, thanks Kelli. I'm reading a book; anyone who knows me well, knows this is a full-on miracle. I am currently starving. And this post is a complete babble. 

I'm just glad this girl is home and that's all I really wanted to say.

You know the movie "Homeward Bound"? I've just been thinking about what kind of adventures Kona had in the 18 hours she was missing and how she somehow made it home. How far did she go? Did she get in a fight with another cat? Did she run across any streets? I mean, it's not the same as a group of animals finding their way home from across the country, but something big definitely happened for her to be this dirty and shaken up. I'll never know.

I wish I could post more pictures, but my camera is broken. I've got to go running now, hopefully I make it back breathing.

trying

An update on life:

We have successfully thrown away $3,000 on our car. Consequently, there will be no St. Martin, not even a trip to GA. Nothing of the sort.

As a result: I am depressed, I hate car salesmen and mechanics. I covet anyone going to or even near a beach this summer and I have lost all motivations to look good in a bathing suit. Uh oh, that's not good.

Kona is getting fat, I'm burned out on my job(s), and Ed is growing a beard.

How else can I describe our life?

*The Bachelorette started, which means fun Monday nights with my girls. Although I'm not a huge fan of Emily or her daughter tagging along.
*Ed fell in the duck pond at BYU this past Monday, so classic.
*I am really into artichokes lately. I just want to put them in everything!
*I experienced my first successful run ever and it motivated me to go again. Except that was Monday after I found out the car would be another thousand and I haven't been since. Maybe next week! (which means never) 
*I miss my parents and sister and Janie and Sam. Why didn't we move to GA for this 8 month break between school again?
*I'm coding real therapy sessions at the coding lab and let me tell you, it's sad. And so intimidating that I will be doing that next year. The therapists are so amazing, always saying the right thing. Validating everything. I don't know if I can be like that, but I'll have to try. The last one I watched I was crying right there in the lab.
*There are some crazy boys at Telos right now, but I love them. The other day I got to experience a rap battle between the two smallest, scronniest kids there (I'm talking 5 feet tall and under). I had to stop it due to a number of curse words, but it was actually pretty impressive. There is a hilarious moment like that every day at Telos.
*Let's just go through all three of my jobs, my ballet girl's recital is the week after next and they still can't remember it without me doing it in front of them. These are age 8 to 14 girls and we have been working on the dance since February! I need to work at a studio with girls who care. I love ballet, but teaching it to 22 girls who talk the whole time, didn't know a single step of ballet past plies until I taught them the rest of bar, and who walk in 45 minutes late to an hour class and announce themselves is just not the place for me.

Anyway, life is a little blah right now, but I'm trying to look on the bright side by focusing on the things that make me happy right now: Ed's beard, artichokes, avocados, and cupcakes, happy moments at work, spending time with friends, 2 in the morning decisions to go camping with Ed, Kona stalking me as always, having beautiful eyelashes thanks to Kelli, and vivid dreams of going skydiving and seeing Ed in an army uniform looking smoking hot. I'm trying to do my hair pretty so I can feel some sense of accomplishment day to day. Trying not to eat as much crap. Trying to thank Ed more. Trying to be a better friend. Trying to figure out my own insecurities and face them so I don't have to do so much when grad school starts. Trying to force myself to think about what it would be like to have a baby since it will probably have to happen after grad school, I've got another 2 years maybe more to think about it. Trying to journal more and succeeding. I'm actually thinking of writing a timeline of my life and including every memory I can think of from each year, just adding to it when I think of something. I'm trying people! Trying to do things I don't like to do and trying to do more of what I do sometimes. I could try a lot harder though. I think we all could.

I'll do that next week :)

music is a cure

i was feeling pretty down earlier today. i've been sick as a dog the last week, fever and everything. terrible. i forgot what it felt like to be sick and i do not want to feel it again. work was annoying. kona attacked me and i had to punish her by shutting her in the bathroom. had a heart to heart with ed, blahhhh. you know how those go if you've been married for a while: you always end up crying and feeling bad because you're actually telling each other the truth. the truth hurts. but then somehow later on that night you feel better because you really talked. i turned on some music and it cured me. i realized how little i listen to music these days. i just go to work and turn on the tv, no music ever. we should all have a little more music in our lives. thought i'd share.

better

sometimes you look at your life and think, what the heck am i doing? what do i need to change? what did i need to change back in high school? what did i need to change a year ago?

it's the same old crap.

when your new years resolutions are the same 5 things every year, that's the light bulb that you're not accomplishing anything you really want to be accomplishing.

sure, you're doing other stuff: graduating from college, working,  gaining life experience, cooking more dinners...blah, blah, blah, more meaningless undertakings of daily life. not that those are meaningless, but nothing's being done about YOU.

at the risk of sounding depressed, i'm going to finish this post. whatever, we all feel like this sometimes right? i hope so. plus, i hate blogs that are always problem-less. sorry, but people don't live their lives like that. 

take action. you're always saying, "i'll do that sometime. i'll work on myself later when i have time."

THIS IS THE TIME. 

life is only going to get crazier. i want to be a better wife. a better friend. a better sister and daughter. eventually a better parent, therapist, grandparent. and the whole time, it all stems back to being a better individual. that sounds loopy and confusing. i'm saying, we've got these personal problems stashed in the back of our minds: self-image, confidence, anxiety, selfishness, laziness, jealousy, pride, etc. it's all different for each of us, but really it's all the same. and that whole bundle of crap plays into the kind of wife, sister, daughter, friend, parent you are. so push everything out of the way and for once, accomplish one thing to better yourself. ask for help. accomplish a goal. pray about it. study it out. put it at the forefront of your mind. you don't want to look back a year from now again and have nothing checked off your list.

life is great, but it could be better and that's up to you. 

in the meantime, enjoy what you have. enjoy your amazing husband who tucks you into bed and watches 20 youtube videos of Jason Segel with you just because. enjoy your cat who hates you, but find the fun in being chased all around the house during the least expected times. enjoy your job. that's a hard one sometimes, but at least don't be wishing there's a real fire when you're out on the lawn because of a drill so you don't have to go back again to another day. enjoy this basement apartment with four different types of ceilings and the worst neighbors (who are now your landlords, joy). enjoy friends who are always there for you to vent and laugh with. enjoy the student life of hole-in-the-wall chinese and bike rides as a source of fun. there is a lot to be happy about. i have a great life and i'm so so lucky. but it's up to me to make something more of this and to improve myself. at least for the benefit of others around me.

i just took a deep breath. i'm fine. i'm writing this purely for myself as a vent and a motivator, but i bet i'm not alone in these thoughts. 

stand a little taller, people.

We successfully walked across a stage and smiled :)

Look at us go, we are real adults now. 

Graduating was such fun. 

As much as I bashed on walking beforehand, I'm glad we did it.

But why does such a great week have to be followed by such a terrible week? 

Something bad always happens to balance out the good right? 

eh, I guess so.

But really, I'm so proud of us. 

I love us. 

We are great together. 

Ed makes us great.

Excited for...

my birthday next week, the big 22. back to an even number and happy about it.
carrabas and maybe cheesecake factory to celebrate
my parents coming into town!
eating my dad's pie
maybe St. Martin this summer? round four :)
my wonderful in-law's homecoming in Burley
watching two brother-in-laws in Ironman St. George
officially graduating from BYU (Ed twisted my arm into walking, but I guess I'm a little excited)
Ed finally getting on board with me with a diet thing: no eating after 7 pm
to start training for my swim portion of the Spudman
Christenson Reunion in Burley!
getting tan this summer = a must, which also means warmth of spring/summer

there's more to be excited about, but my mind is scattered right now. 

lessons learned in the last 2 weeks.

-fudge dipped almond bars from Costco can fulfill a void in my life I didn't know existed. How have I not known about them until now?

-I should really give up on trying to run ever because it always leaves me depressed, embarrassed, and with runner's cough.

-I love the movie Borat. I knew that already, but after watching it twice in this week (point and laugh all you want), I have a new found love for dirty jokes and lewd behavior.

-Never, I repeat NEVER eat half a bag of Costco dried mango's in one day. You will have a stomach ache for days and it is very likely you could be constipated for the next week. 

-Give people the benefit of the doubt. Ed said I was the most judgmental person he knew this week. Yeah, that may have been a little harsh, but I needed to hear it and take a good look at my pessimistic perspective.

-Courtney and Ben (from The Bachelor) are made for each other: both socially awkward weirdos. 

-I have dreamed of cats snuggling for the last three nights. I'm taking that as a sign that I'm not pleased with amount of snuggles Kona gives me....ZERO. We are in a power struggle and she is not giving up at following me all over the house waiting to bite my ankles while she rubs and purrs all over Ed.

-I realized how much I love some of my boys from work and how much of a worrier I am going to be about my kids. They are going to hate me!

-It's perfectly okay to let your husband have a sleepover with his best friends to play halo all night while you have long talks and watch Borat with your sister. Be. Less. Selfish. Let him have one night of fun and share him with other people instead of having a grumpy night together.

-There are some BYU students who really give us a bad reputation and it is invigorating to cuss them out. HA! Yes, that really did happen last Friday and believe me, it felt good for Ed and I to let out a little anger on those jerk-offs. Don't judge me, be jealous. You know you've always wanted to scream obscenities at a group of 15 losers before.

-Related to the lesson above: don't spend 45 minutes looking for keys in the wilderness when they have been in your pocket the whole time (EDWARD!) But DO revisit the spot where he popped the question and you said yes :)

Those are the lessons learned from the beginning of March. May the end of March teach me new things, force me to turn 22 unwillingly, and lead me into spending a week with my wonderful parents!

Happy St. Patrick's day, now go do an Irish Jig and find a pot of gold in your life.

And wear green, because being green is cool.

Valentines and dreams.

our view from our balcony! 

This past weekend was a dream. We spent our nights in the Little America Hotel tower suite, eating treats (an embarrassing $40 worth from Gourmandies), wearing our hotel robes, swimming in the pool and simmering in the hot tub. During the day we shopped, ate delicious food at new hole-in-the-wall places (the best kind), and laughed at the otters and penguins at the aquarium. Even though we were just in Salt Lake, it really felt like an escape and it was much needed. Ed is awesome for planning it and surprising me for Valentines Day.

Last week we looked at houses to buy because we know we will be staying here for the next two years, but no luck. It doesn’t look like it is possible to afford right now, so we will just keep draining our money spending $625 in rent for our crappy, basement apartment. Sure, we have spent over $20,000 in rent since being married, what’s another $20,000! Ughh. We did find the cutest house though with a huge yard in a great neighborhood. I totally saw us living there for a moment.

I had a terrible dream last night, I won’t even go into it. But I’m also having these reoccurring dreams of seeing and holding miniature animals. Like really small animals, fitting in the palm of my hand. So far, I’ve dreamed up (all miniature) a hot pink flamingo, a billy goat kicking it’s back legs up, a jaguar, a metallic horse, and moles poking their heads out of a meadow. They were all so tiny and in the dreams I am totally entranced and fascinated by them. It’s cool, I like those dream and I’m crossing my fingers that I have more of them. I also dreamed the other day that I finally confronted our neighbors about their rampant sexcapades three times a day, how they wake me up every morning at 6am, their obsession with cooking fish and stinking up the entire house, and chanting loudly while meditating. Oh gosh, if only that dream were real, but I don't have the guts, so I will just continue to curse obscenities at them from downstairs and knock on the vent when their porn making is getting too much for me to handle. Okay fine, they aren't making porn, but it's close. And disturbing.  

Anyway, I'm excited tomorrow is Friday. It looks like BYU is losing to Gonzaga right now, so I need to switch my attention to this game. By the way, the other night at Carrabba's I saw Abouo! Then the night got even better holding sweet Ellie and seeing my family. Alright, Goodnight!

So I wrote this post yesterday and let's just say, it doesn't apply....I'M IN!

Well, I'm alive!

The past week has been by far one of the most anxiety-ridden weeks of my life and I'm glad that applying for grad school is almost over. Even if I don't get in, I'm glad it's over.

Yes, I survived the interview. It was sucky and I never want to do it again, but I think I did pretty well. I feel good about everything I've done for grad school up until this point, so I'm just telling myself that if I don't get in, they are just idiots. Just a warning, if I don't get in, I will be really embarrassed. Bottom line. Yeah Yeah, I got an interview. Yay. I can be proud of that for the rest of my life. But if I get rejected now, I don't know, I will probably just do a post with one line: My future dreams are ruined. And then I will sulk, trying to find a purpose in life for the next few months. It's not like I wouldn't finally move on and decide to do something else or reapply for next year or have a baby (ha! that's last on the list for sure), BUT I know I will be sad and I know I will feel like crap.
So in case that happens, I may ignore any consolations or praise. It may be best to just leave me alone. Actually maybe it's better to build me up, you know, think of any compliment you can give possibly give me and maybe I will feel better. Who knows. 

Rants In My Head

My mind is going crazy with so many thoughts. Last night I felt so many things: anxious all around, angry with situations, hopeful for mine and others' futures, sad for a few realities, awkward because of an unusual experience, scared because I looked up way too much information on cereal killers, and happy to spend time with my sister and have her be my therapist for the night. Oh a therapist. What is that anyway? I'm supposedly going to be one, shouldn't I know? I work with a bunch of them and interact with them on a daily basis. I encourage everyone I know to go to therapy or to trust the therapist they already have. But I've been telling myself to go to my own therapy for over two years now and still haven't. What is that all about? I tried once, but I couldn't schedule an appointment for three months so I just gave up. And now I get to go sell myself next Monday in front of a bunch of experienced therapists with PHD's from 9 am to 5:30 on how much I want to learn to be a therapist just like them. I do believe that anyone and everyone can benefit from therapy and that no one is too good for it or should be ashamed for going. We all have problems, inadequacies, and the need to feel heard. Even me. Especially me. I love that everyone always says the people who go into psychology/therapy are the ones who have problems themselves. Well that may be so, but I think it's also the people who care about human behavior and how to maximize on that behavior to help create the best possible situation for someone else. We will see. I know I'm just second guessing myself because I'm scared I might fail. You know that thing where you think you might fail so you start thinking of reasons why you may not even want to succeed anyway, so that you might feel better when/if you do fail. There is a psychological term I learned in social psych to define it, but I can't remember. Yeah, I'm definitely doing that. I do want to be a therapist. I want to help others, bottom line. I want to help myself build a career and provide for my family. I want to learn from these experienced professionals and work my butt off to write a thesis and discover something important. I want to do something that means something to me, and I think this is it. I know if I don't do it I will regret that for the rest of my life. I'm not the stay at home mommy type. Not right now at least. I need something for myself, my own little project. My dream is to be the official therapist for something like The American Ballet Theater because I know for sure that every professional ballet dancer could use a little bit of mental help. But realistically, that dream is not going to happen. Instead I'll have my own small ballet company and do probably 15 hours of therapy a week. Kids will get thrown into this mix eventually and probably take over my life. I will probably devote all my time to them and by then I'll and have some very large dogs and a grassy yard with a fence. Ideally a horse ranch. Well, ideally my horses will be living at Tess' horse ranch nearby my beautiful house with a wrap around porch and a swing. I wouldn't mind living in the house my parents live in now, but who knows. Anyway, I'm ending this post. I miss my husband right now, but luckily I've got Tess. I feel better now. Time to start a new week. Goodnight!

Life in 2012

I decided to make Ed's dreams come true for Christmas and I bought him an Xbox with Kinect, so as you can imagine, we have watched 6 seasons of How I Met Your Mother on Netflix and lots of Downton Abbey. I started my new job as the Study Hall teacher and I'm floating right along, trying to get used to working there every day instead of every other day. Sometimes you need a major break from those kids, but I will get used to it. I actually like it a lot, it's relaxed and I feel more helpful because I can actually see their progress more concretely. Today was not the best day at work, but most days are really good. I got bangs again and I like them a lot better this time around. They are fun to have and don't take near as much work as I expected. I'm slowly changing my diet back to the healthy stuff and using myfitnesspal again and it's working so far. I've just got to get the habit of working out every day after work. I became a real BYU Employee, parking in A lots and retirement benefits included. Yes, it's pretty official. I started teaching my ballet class and the first week was terrible, they barely knew what plie's were, but we're working on it. The second class went way better and they decided they want their recital to be black swan-ish so that should be fun. I love ballet, have I said that before? Just showing the simple combinations of plies and fondus made me happy again. Now can I have a trumpet sound effect? The greatest of all, I got an interview for the MFT program at BYU! I am beyond nervous, but it does give me a boost of confidence to know that if all else fails at least I've made it this far. The best part about 2012 is having no homework. I never realized how great it would be to see all the students walking past my house every day and laughing at them because they are still in school and I'm not (evil laughing). More news, we may go to St. Martin again this summer with my parents! It will depend on cost, but it would be so fun if we could go yet again for our third time together reliving our honeymoon. Another less wonderful thing, our new neighbors. I could literally PUNCH them (Tess has been teaching me some pretty intense Muay Thia punches). One of these days I'm going to snap and cuss them out, I'm sure of it. I realized today, I am around a whole lot more males than females on a daily basis and I hope I'm not losing my girliness, if that's possible. I mean, I'm still having Bachelor parties on Monday nights and putting on makeup, but without ballet or any constant interaction with females from school or my coding job, I feel I'm becoming even more boyish than Ed! I've always farted, burped, put off shaving my legs, etc., but I'm not really getting my girl talk on as much as I'd like. It's hard to explain, luckily I've got my sister and two amazing friends that I see every week. Sometimes I just talk to Kona and pretend she's listening to me. Ed does it too, I can sometimes hear him in the other room chatting to her. In fact, he just said in a whiney voice, "Kona, you're making me sad because you're being lame. You're just like mom, so stubborn. You're both stubborn ladies" (yes, I am "mom"). Oh yes, a small diamond fell out of my ring. No worries though, I've got a lifetime warranty on that baby and they will definitely replace it. I'm writing the randomest of things in this post so I'll wrap it up.

Life is good. I miss my parents. I will be skinny. I will conquer the world with my MFT skills one day. I love Ed. That pretty much sums it up.