Merry Christmas

I'm just sitting at work. 7am on Christmas morning and waiting for my boys to wake up. Ed woke up early with me and presented me with a stocking full of surprises. My favorite was an Elton John Greatest Hits album with 30 songs, Ed knows me so well. He is showing up in about an hour in a Santa suit to wake up all the boys here and yell "Ho Ho Ho! Meeeeeerrrrrry Christmas! And happy Hanukkah!" (because lots of them are Jewish). Yes that's right, we landed a Santa suit from our bishop, beard and all. Except the pants are like capris on Ed and he will have to do some major stuffing with pillows to not look like such a twig. Don't worry, lots of pictures will be taken. When I leave at 11 we are driving up to Heber to be with Ben and Amy all day. I can't wait to see their dog and baby Ellie and cook like a real adult. For the first time, I kind of feel like an adult because we are making a complete Christmas meal today! Yesterday I make my best blackberry/raspberry pie, cake balls, and jello salad (Utah style)...even though everyone makes fun of those jellos with everything like cottage cheese and nuts, I absolutely love them! And this morning Ed is starting on the bacon wrapped weenies for me and we will make a whole pot of beets up at Amy's. Have I said anything about my recent cravings for beets on this blog yet? I can't remember, but it's a craving like I've never had before for anything, I can not get beets out of my head! They are so delicious and luckily, nutritious. Last night was awesome, we stopped by the Huntington family Grease Fest to chat with Grandpa and the rest of the family. Grandpa gave me another hand-made necklace with a marble stone that kind of reminds me of leopard print. It's beautiful and he said it is from a rock from his front yard. I like that because when he is gone and his wonderful house with literally THE best view in Utah belongs to someone else, I will always have a piece of it in this necklace. Then we went to my sister-in-law, Cindy's house for clam chowder and lasagna. She has four beautiful little girls who were so entertaining the whole night. We got to chat with Cindy about everything under the sun, as we always do and then Ed and I participated in the girls' nativity play. I was the donkey and Ed was a Wiseman. It was so much fun to see them excited about Christ's birth and setting out cookies for Santa. Oh to be a kid again! When we got home, Ed and I entertained ourselves with the Christmas gift we bought for Kona, but it's more like a gift to ourselves because it's so much fun. Who knew a laser pointer could please a cat and us on Christmas Eve night so completely? All in all, it has been a great Christmas so far and I know it is just going to get better. My heart goes out to those who can't have a Christmas like mine and I feel so lucky to experience these blessings. I am so thankful for my Savior and all that He has done for me and the hope He brings to all of us. Merry Christmas everyone!

December 9

Last night was awesome. Ben and Amy came over with sweet Ellie and their new Mystic.  It was so much fun to see them all. We ate a delicious dinner (thanks Amy), watched some Youtube, introduced Kona and Mystic, and topped off the night by watching the new video of Christ's birth.  It is really touching.  This last picture is my favorite, it was hilarious to watch Kona's reaction to Mystic in her domain, but she was nicer than I thought she would be.  She was definitely intimidated, but couldn't resist sneaking up on the unsuspecting Mystic. 

This week was a blur of writing papers, working, and going to my last classes of my undergraduate career! Weird, but good. I'm not really sad at all to be almost done with school, which is surprising because I'm usually overly sentimental.  Did anyone see Modern Family this week?  If you haven't you should because it's Modern Family in general, but also when Cam saved that wine cork to give as a present I was laughing so hard! If you watched it you will know what I'm saying.  Anyway, he reminded me so much of me and how I save every little thing that I can possibly attach to a memory.  I'm kind of a hoarder. 

Okay wives, what are you getting your husbands for Christmas!? Ed keeps saying he has all these great ideas for me and I can't think of one single thing to get him! I hate shopping for boys. This post is getting to be pretty random, but I'll just go with it. Christmas is going to be very different this year. I'm working Christmas morning, not seeing my parents at all (first time ever), and we really don't have any plans. It's just going to be me, Ed, and the cat so we'll see what we can think of that's fun. Ed says we can maybe go to Cheesecake Factory to celebrate graduating. The original plan was to go on a cruise for graduation, but hey, we just bought a new car so Cheesecake Factory will have to do.

I have nothing more to say except happy holidays and congratulations to all who just finished another semester!

Regret

Should have started these papers earlier. 

I've got 1 paper down. 

And I'm on page 5 of the 10 page research paper.

What do I have left you ask?

5 pages of this one

One 8 page research paper with 16 sources, don't even know my topic yet

Three 4-5 pagers

One 2 pager

Journal entries for every day of Deviance class since October

Four 1 pagers for Anthropology

Two more grad school application papers

and then I'm done. 

A couple stupid finals that I refuse to study for and I'll be graduated! 

Now if I can just survive until then. 

Luckily Rhodes rolls are in the oven and I had my fair share of beets today to keep me somewhat healthy.

Holly Jolly

It's officially Christmas time in the Christenson home!
I love this video so much still. This is the Killers single from last year and I'm pretty sure I posted it then too. A clip from my favorite Christmas movie plus Brandon's amazing bolo tie and then the touching story of the man down on his luck makes this one of the best music videos in history.
Check out their Christmas single for 2011 too, it's not as touching but it's fun.

When I first realized I would marry Ed I was kinda bored with the name Christenson because it's pretty common, but having been a Christenson for almost two and a half years now I have learned to take pride in it. I love our more unique spelling of having "on" at the end instead of the more typical "en". The greatest part about this way of spelling is that when I really look at the word, it says
"Christ the Son"
I will always appreciate having Christ's name in my own name. I hope that I can treat this Christmas as a celebration of Christ and not just as a happy holiday that makes me feel good. I want to really focus on the Savior and how to be more like Him. That's my goal this Christmas.

I also need to think of something really great to give Ed.

And put Kona's Christmas sweater on her as much as possible.

These next three weeks will be the worst. I'm doomed for sure, but I did it to myself. Procrastination has never been worse for me, but hey, for my last semester I think I'm doing pretty well. I'm literally trying not to care about school as much because I've always wanted to not care. By no means am I a perfectionist or an all A student, but I don't think I've ever just totally given up on any assignment. Gosh, for once I just want to not turn in an assignment or not take a final (oh wait, I did that last semester...dumbest moment of my life). Anyway, I have yet to write 2 research papers plus 9 additional papers on top of that. Not to mention two more grad school applications. Whatever, it will get done somehow. Just three more weeks and I will be a college graduate.

So I now teach a ballet class. Yay. They had their recital on Monday night and it was so fun to be there with them. It made me miss my performances in the Cobb Civic Center so much.

Ed and I are hooked on the Real Housewives again so I'm off to go catch up on about three episodes instead of doing school work. I love that my husband loves these shows just as much as me.

Prima Dreaming

     I am literally overwhelmed right now with the beauty of the classic prima ballerinas. It's Friday night and I have found myself glued to my computer screen on a website with hundreds of classic ballerina photos. These pictures make me want to jump off the couch, pointe my toes, and leap in the snow pouring down outside. These are amazing women, full of power and grace. As I look at these pictures and study their faces, I can literally feel their emotion. I like to put myself in their shoes for a minute and imagine bowing for thousands of people cheering and yelling "Bravo!" for me as I stand on the greatest stages in the most beautiful theaters in the world. I am wearing a gorgeous romantic tutu and holding my partner's hand, smiling for the whole world to see. People are throwing red rose bouquets on the stage in front of me and I am overcome with joy. I may even shed a tear on that stage. What could it have been like to be these women? Rehearsal every day, glamorous costumes, and ballets choreographed just for me. Dancing with the greats, classical training, my teachers screaming "feel the music! straighten that knee!" (in Russian or something depending on which prima I was). And I'm sweating in rehearsal and thinking about just quitting ballet for good, but then it's opening night and I'm at the curtain call with people screaming my name and it's all so worth it. This must have been how they felt. Well, it's how I like to imagine they felt. It reminds me of this quote from my all time favorite prima, Sylvie Guillem. This is taken from an interview: But does she ever think of stopping? "Mais, oui," she says, looking astonished. "All the time, and for many, many years. And sometimes you think, why do I do all of this? Because you feel a little bit lost, a bit tired. But then you wake up a bit more and you go and you are excited by what you do." She pauses to consider how to describe what drives her on. "It’s because when finally you achieve something, then you are alive and you did something that only you can do. And if you don’t do it, if you don’t push yourself to do it, and look for the best way to do it, then you don’t wake up". I love that quote. I love her with all my heart. What a spunky woman. I have to think that all the women in these picture had a bit of spunk in them. If I could pick any alternate life, I would have been one of Balanchine's favorites and danced with Baryshnikov for ABT and NYCB. And of course I would guested all around the world. In other words I guess I would have been Gelsey Kirkland. I love ballet because it puts me somewhere else. It's a magical world. It's not that I'm trying to escape this world or my life, but it was always nice to just get caught up in the music and feel nothing but the elation of dancing on stage. Lipstick, hairspray, headpieces, pointe shoes, pink tights, tutus, long legs, and perfect pirouettes. That's what I would wish for.

     But that's not my life. And I'm thankful for what my life really is. I'm thankful that I had the chance to live a much smaller version of this ballerina mania in my own small little company back in Marietta. We had small performances and got yelled at quite a lot. But we also felt the absolute joy of being on stage and bowing at the curtain call for that smallish theater. Our parents and a few friends. Those were good times. Well that's my escape for the night. I just wanted to tribute to these wonderful women in these pictures. They are absolutely gorgeous and they deserve a thank you.
(more pictures of these lovelies on my pinterest)

November Weekend

It's been a really good weekend. 

We started early with Ed's birthday on Thursday : he opened presents throughout the day, we went to our beloved Rice King for lunch with sister Cindy and talked about everything under the sun, suffered together through the worst class on earth (philosophy), ate some good mexican with friends and ordered "The Rock", I blindfolded Ed and kind of surprised him (I am not that skilled at surprises apparently), bowled the night away with our best friends wearing party hats, and came home late to eat the cheesecake I made together in bed while watching Modern Family. Wow. Happy 23rd Birthday, Ed! 

Then it was Friday. I had a super easy day at work which consisted of going to the driving range, hanging out at the park, eating an amazing thanksgiving style lunch, and clocking out after a "hard day's work". Then we test drove two cars, argued about it, and decided to just wait it out and chill on the new car thing. We are sick of these car dealers trying to screw us left and right. Then we ate at The Smoking Apple....oh thank goodness for that place. We stopped by the intramural game that Ed is a new member of and watched our friend Marc break his ankle and get rushed to the hospital. Came home and layed in bed watching Nomeo and Juliet on Netflix.

Saturday was next. The morning consisted of sleeping in, t.v., eating the Hickory Farms summer sausage I got Ed for his birthday, and trying to decide what to do with our lives that day. We ended up going to see Tower Heist and laughed out loud in the theater almost the entire movie. Then we walked around window shopping making sure to stop by Williams Sonoma to oodle and pretend like we're rich. Got some apple cider and carrot cake samples and stopped by in the toy store that was playing Christmas music to get in the spirit of the holidays. Then we headed home and Ed helped me make a cake for our friend Kelli's birthday. We celebrated her birthday at Outback and headed to her house to play games. We went to bed late knowing that we had an extra hour for daylight savings and slept in this morning.

I'm sorry if this was boring to read, but one day I will look back on this weekend and remember that all I need is my husband, my friends, some good food, and my kitty to be happy. Today we have been playing hand and foot together and laughing at Kona, watching football and cuddling in blankets. It's been nice. Now we have to start a new week and I know I will regret not doing any homework or graduate school applications but what the heck, I've enjoyed my life.

November does amazing things to me. It is one of my favorite months because to me, it's all about family. It's about being thankful and vamping up for the best holidays. It's about getting close to ending a semester and this year, ending my undergrad! It starts to get chilly and every day I hope to wake up and have no snow, but it's coming, I can feel it. I start to drink hot chocolate every night without fail and plan all the presents I will buy my favorite people. I will definitely miss my parents this year at Thanksgiving, but I'm excited to have another Christenson feast. Now I'm off to help finish off the cheesecake and eat as many yummy things as I can because tomorrow I'm back on the diet. 

Signing off, a very content Amanda.

Frame Worthy

I need to frame this picture.

It is a perfect depiction of my life right now : my husband, my cat, my tiny house, and gorgeous fall.

I'm happy to be here.

I really will be sad to leave Provo one day, and especially this little house of ours.

At least I will take the husband and the cat with me.

Happy Halloween everyone!  I am off to Petsmart to get Kona a costume.

Random thoughts from Amanda's brain

I've lost 6 pounds!

I miss my parents

I want long hair again

I really miss ballet

This semester is horrible

I'm working way too much 

Want cheesecake 

Can't wait for halloween, Ed and I's costume idea is amazing

I love my friends

I am in need of my mom's pumpkin pie

Religion teachers at BYU need to get over themselves

Need to get into grad school, need to apply for grad school 

Need a new car, Chevy Equinox is a stretch, but should we do it? 

Amanda, you have to find a new job

Why do nice things cost money? 

Been having some really crazy dreams lately

Red Lobster all you can eat shrimp soon, look forward to it every year

What should I get Ed for his birthday?

Sleepover with Tess this weekend

Can't wait to see Brad home from a mission and Britta and new baby

I desperately want a puppy

I desperately want to know where I will live in 10 months 

Football is really growing on me

Obsessed with counting calories

And that's pretty much all that's on my mind lately. 

I love Ed, my family, my cat, my friends. My schedule sucks, but it's life. I've got to keep motivated, can't wait to be 20 lbs less, it will happen. Goodnight all.

September 11, 2011

Ten years ago, America was rattled. Fathers, sisters, brothers, mothers, sons, daughters, and friends were killed. Let us be thankful for what we have in our lives. And for who we have. Whether we realize it or not, our lives are based on relationships. Savor those relationships. Cherish the people you love. Forgive those who have hurt us. Pray for people all around the world who experience heartache daily.

My husband should know that he makes me laugh constantly. That his goofiness and his optimism keep me going every day. And that marrying him is the single most perfect decision I have ever made.

My sister should know that she has been my best friend since the day she was born. That although she is younger than me, I have always looked up to her. And that she is going to be an amazing wife and mother. 

My dad should know that the example he set for me growing up is what has shaped my testimony of the gospel. That his efforts to spend quality time with me are what really made the difference in creating our relationship. And that his complete acceptance of Ed into the Huntington family means the world to me. 

My mom should know that I could not have survived being a teenager without her. That the support she has for her kids is unparalleled. And that she has created a relationship with me that is the epitome of what a mother-daughter relationship was meant to be. 

My brother should know that I absolutely love spending time with him. That he and Amy's friendship to Ed and I our first year marriage helped me through the hard times of life. And that I will smother his daughter Ellie with love for as long as I live. 

My in-laws, Karen and Norvel should know that I will be forever grateful to them for how they raised their son to be such an amazing man. That they have touched the lives of all those who have come in contact with. And that Ed and I strive to be as gracious and generous and they are one day.

My friends, new and old should know that my sanity relies on you. That I owe so much to you all for putting up with my flakiness and drama. And that my friendships mean more to me than almost anything else. 

Ed is talking to his dad on the phone and I just heard him say that tragedy is not what should make us turn to God. He said we should be aware of His presence in our lives every day. That He is with us through the thick and the thin, the easy and the hard, but we forget this fact too often. 

I am so thankful for my relationships and for a Heavenly Father who is concerned with my life and my happiness. I hope that the families of the victims of 911 can be happy and that they are able to cherish their last moments with their loved ones. And I hope my loved ones know how much they mean to me.

toads and surprises

Are these toad ties not awesome? the answer is yes. Had to spice this babble post up with something.

Well I have a feeling I am going to love this semester. My classes seem pretty awesome and fairly challenging, but not too hard. I have some great teachers from what I can tell so far and I have two classes with Tess and one with Ed! It should be pretty fun.

The other day, Ed kept looking over at me in our philosophy class with this disgusted look saying, "you existentialist" as if I was some devil or crazy person. I was so confused why he was acting so disapprovingly of me and sneering and shaking his head in dismay. After class he told me that in one of his previous classes that day he learned what existentialists are and he did not approve of me being one. His description was as follows: raging sex addicts who live in communes, do drugs, shun their families, friends, or anyone who is going to hold them back from their entirely selfish desires and pleasures. They steal, plunder, orgasm, get high...anything that will keep them satisfied for a bit.

HA! No, Ed. I am pleased to inform you that I am a very mild version of an existentialist. Not to mention Christian. With morals. I mostly just believe in making your life meaningful. If the sex addicts want to have sex addictively, they can. But as for me, I will find meaning in my own moral, religious, pleasant and helpful way.

Phew, glad my husband no longer thinks I belong in the 60's and 70's with Charles Manson.

He's a funny one, that Ed. He keeps surprising me lately. Last night we are laying in bed. I am positive he is asleep and I'm just laying there like normal pleading with Heavenly Father in my mind to help me fall asleep. All of a sudden he rolls over and says, "Thank you for letting me do this tomorrow." I was sure he was talking in his sleep so I tried to get more talking out of him so I could get a good laugh. He goes on to thank me for letting him get up early to go volunteer at a triathlon. I was really confused why he would be thanking me for that and he says, "because I might wake you up early on your one day to sleep in". Haha, interesting logic there Ed, but thank you for taking the time to thank me even though I don't deserve a thank you.

But here's the big surprise: This week he asked me, "Have you noticed me lately?" 

Wait, What? Wow, I must have really been neglectful this week. It caught me totally off guard because usually I'm the one acting like I'm starving for attention. I'm always the needy one annoyingly asking for massages, backscratches, venting about my job for 30 minutes straight until I realize he stopped listening at the 5 minute marker (and I don't blame him). Stuff like that. So when he asked me if I had noticed him, I knew it was a big deal. Dang it. Terrible wife right here. But hey, sometimes you go through waves of being good and sometime you suck and it's just the way life works. I've definitely got to be better though. Any suggestions? 

I guess it's good to be surprised by your husband. Being married, you get to know each other so well, too well sometimes. I know exactly what will make him mad, happy, or annoyed. I know when he will probably tune me out when I'm complaining, but I keep going anyway to make myself feel listened to. I know when he wants sexy time and he knows when I don't want it. Don't cringe, it's just real life. He even knows now that the only reason I shave my legs is because I've finally broken down to him feeling them at church and giving a long drawn out sigh of disappointment. To know all of that is awesome and fun, but to be surprised is pretty refreshing. I guess it would suck to be surprised in a bad way, like you're just now figuring out that your husband is a cereal killer, but in my case, I'm pretty thrilled to be surprised by Ed in such simple but sweet ways. Thanks Ed. I love you and I notice you. You don't need to thank me for "letting you get up early" but I appreciate it. Now I need to surprise you.

Yesterday

Work was uneventful (rare and wonderful).

I helped move Tess into her very first apartment. I felt so bad leaving her alone there. It was like a momma bear leaving my little one alone in this big, scary world. Not that she was scared at all, but it was a big deal to me. Not to mention she has absolutely no food or transportation ....somehow she'll survive.

Then I did a performance with some dancers and a live band in a beautiful outdoor amphitheater. A bunch of the boys from work came to watch and it was really fun to finally feel like a dancer again!

After the performance, Ed and I went to get some treats, ate some Sonic, and went to "Crazy, Stupid, Love". It was such a great movie! It made me feel almost every emotion. When I went to sleep I dreamed that 5 diamonds from my wedding ring had fallen out and the owner of the jewelry store wouldn't replace them. I guess that was more of a nightmare, but overall the past 24 hours was packed with awesomeness.

Ed and I plan to go somewhere in the mountains Friday with the truck and sleep under the stars because someone's schedule changed! Woo hoo! Yes, I no longer have the Sat, Sun, Mon shift at work so I can finally have normal weekends. I do have to work a 16 hour shift this Sunday, but that will only be once a month. I'm so happy Tess is here and that school is starting on Monday. For once, I am actually really excited for my classes this semester. I feel like I can conquer the world lately!

2008...

Yesterday while we were driving home from the Cassia Country Fair (which was as delightful as a fair and rodeo in southern Idaho can be), Ed and I were talking about the night we met for the first time. It was exactly three years ago last night, but oh wow, it feels like just yesterday. He was painting the walls of his new house that would be filled with 10 crazy boys from Burley. He had white paint speckles all over him and the first thing I noticed when I saw him were his blonde eyebrows. He only said about one sentence to me that night which included "Hi, I'm Ed" and when I asked him what scenario to act out in the game outside he suggested a proposal. I've always thought it was cute that the first thing he ever said to me was about a proposal. After that night, he didn't even cross my mind again until he called me later that week and had to remind me that "this is Ed, the tall one, let's go to a luau, and let's just make it official". I remember thinking, "official? does that mean it's a date? and who the heck is this Ed guy?" It is really odd to think back to when you and your husband were complete strangers to each other.

Imagine that: just three years ago he was just some tall guy with a great smile who was pretty goofy, but a really good kisser (that's how I described him to my friends) and now he is my best friend and my husband for eternity. What if I had known that night in 2008 that I would marry him? HA! It was definitely not love at first sight for the two of us and I'll leave it at that, but he won me over quick and I somehow seduced him into liking me back after our terrible first date. That time in both of our lives was hard for different reasons, but we found each other and something sparked.

Love is underrated. Marriage is flying out the window in this world, but how lucky am I to have found my mate so easily and so perfectly?

And then I ask myself why? Oh, the why questions will never stop for me. Why me? Why was it so easy for Ed and I? We hit some small bumps in the road and we're still hitting bump after bump, but it really is easy with us. We argue and stomp off to separate rooms, but an hour later we emerge from our stewing and I'm like, "Soooo, should we watch a show or something?" and he says, "Wanna play hand and foot?" We keep things simple. Two happy people and a cat.
I really love to reminisce. I am probably one of the most sentimental and sensitive people on the planet which makes it easy for me to get hurt, easy to cry (happy tears included), but best of all, easy to get lost in memory after memory of the good times in my life. The fall of 2008 was by far one of the best times in my life and I will remember it forever. It is crazy to think that it was my first semester of college and I will be starting my last semester in just a week.

Anyway, life is great right now. I am being blessed left and right with opportunities at work, wonderful people in my life, and I really feel like I'm on the right track to greatness. There is so much to stress about, but you just take a deep breath and realize that there is so much MORE to be thankful for.

Ed and I on our first date at the luau :)

get over yourself

a to do list I wrote two weeks ago:

watch the Bachelor check

study for GRE check
fold laundry check
go to RIPPED check
pick schools to send GRE scores to check
get over yourself eh....not yet.

Dang, Amanda. You gotta do better. The goal is less self-focus. Whether you're feeling good or bad about yourself, you're still thinking about yourself. Why not your husband? Or some random person you haven't seen in a while who may need a compliment today or maybe a hug? You're no Mother Teresa and you probably never will be, but it wouldn't hurt to be a little less self-concerned.

Work on it. Maybe "get over yourself" can get checked off the list in the next couple of weeks. In the meantime, go see Harry Potter and speak in a British accent for the rest of the night.

Cheerio!

we have to enjoy it

I. Need. This. Print.
The Ballerina Project is simply amazing. I told Ed today that when we have our own house, I will have a ballerina room and buy tons of these prints to absolutely cover every inch of all four walls. I kind of feel like this girl right now. Like I'm trying to relax, but waiting for a storm. I don't know what my storm is, but I can feel it coming on. I'm trying to lay low and just stay calm before my life starts (or should I say continues) to get a little crazy. Grad school, and then a career, babies, then teenagers, and just like that I'll be old and wrinkly with alzheimers or cancer. I'll be asking my kids how old I am and wishing I could just be young again, like 21. HA! So why am I thinking so far ahead when I actually am 21? I shouldn't be.

It's just so crazy that life never stops. You may chill for a few hours watching tv, but you're still getting older, still wasting time sitting at work, but hopefully you're enjoying it.

We have to enjoy it.

If we don't, then what are we here for? You may know already that I absolutely love existentialism, so maybe that's where this is coming from. I need to live what I preach, though. I need to enjoy my life, even when it feels like there is nothing to be enjoyed. I need to create meaning with what I do with my time. I loved what one of my teachers said in my personality class last fall. He was talking about living a meaningful life and said, "Please don't leave when I say this, but why are you all sitting in this class right now? It's Monday night and only one hour into our two and a half hour class. Does it really mean anything to you? If you died tomorrow would you be glad you had come to class?" We all laughed and joked about leaving, but when you think about things like that, it really makes you appreciate what you have. I found myself thinking about how lucky I was to be in college at BYU and loving my major instead of thinking about how many more minutes I had to sit there and be still.

My sister came home from Africa and let me tell you, she's a different person. In a good way, but the main thing I have taken from what I have talked about with her is how happy the people of Africa are, even though in our eyes, many of their lives are filled with suffering and death. They appreciate everything they have. And here I am living the wonderful life of an American and always wishing for more. I don't want to get going about how selfish Americans are and how saintly everyone in a 3rd world country is because I really don't think that's the case. I think we're all great in our own way and we all deserve to be happy or at least content.

Content. That sounds so depressing, I know. But realistically, there are so many people out there who are depressed or sad or below the classification of content that if everyone were at least just okay with their lives, the world would be so much happier. I'm just writing very "stream of consciousness-ly" but hopefully I can wrap this back around to my original message to myself and to whoever is reading (but mostly to myself) that whatever our life may be, we have to enjoy it. And that's all, I really have nothing more to say. I really feel like if we can do that, everything else with fall into place and we can be allowed to be happy. So many people just don't allow themselves to be happy and therefore they aren't.

It's a sad world sometimes. But it's more happy than sad really, we just have to find the happy.

zzzzzzz

I am seriously sleep deprived right now. Just at work waiting for teenage boys to wake up, hoping they sleep all the way till nine so I don't have to do anything till then. Excited to start my calling in primary/nursery today, but mostly excited to take a nap when I finally get home at 5:30. Screw making dinner, screw studying for the GRE...I need to sleep and lounge and do nothing. Probably going for a relaxing bike ride through the streets of Provo tonight when it gets to be dusk with my hubby (after I wake up from a nap of course). I need to set some goals and actually accomplish them this week, but for today, I will be as lazy as I can possibly be.

Babbling...

Alright, let me just babble for a second....

-I have a pinterest. Check it out.
-my house is a total mess
-my sister is in AFRICA...jealousy!
-So You Think You Can Dance is my favorite show
-does anyone know when Project Runway starts?
-also the Bachelorette is just too entertaining to not watch (JP is my favorite!) and Aimes, gotta love Aimes
-I signed up for the GRE...kill me now
-I am once again pale as a ghost
-I have been going to RIPPED and abs twice a week, running, and just started semi-dancing again in hopes of producing an acceptable body image. Now I just need to change my diet and not get two boxes of Krispy Kreme doughnuts for Father's day. oops.

-Can I just say I am married to an amazing man? Sometimes I wish I could be better for him, like more wifey. (definition of wifey=cooks, cleans, wants babies, bakes bread, showers every day) So anyway, Ed and I were driving last week and we were talking about some girl and I said she's a good wife. Ed was like, "What do you mean?". I explained that she does all the wifey things and he said, "I'd rather have a wife like you who I can have fun with and actually talk to than a wifey wife." Now, this seems like Duh, but it feels so good to hear it. You know how there's always an ideal you in your mind and then there's the real you that's always slightly less amazing? Well, my ideal me is MUCH different than the real me and when I hear my husband say that he likes the real me better than the ideal me, it makes my heart sing with gratitude for what a catch I have for a husband. He brings me back to earth and lets me know he likes my curves, that the few dinners I can make taste good, and he thanks me when I do the dishes instead of just expecting it. Of course I don't believe some of the things he says (because even if he's satisfied with me, it doesn't always mean I am), BUT it definitely helps me to not get down on myself as much as I probably would. I don't know what I would do without Ed. He helps me appreciate the little things I have in life and forces me to stay positive. Even when I resist his optimism, it still has an effect on me and my outlook on life. Anyway, that was a long novel basically saying I LOVE ED.

I've run out of things to say now so I'll just shut up. Tonight was fun though with Ed. We really are two peas in a pod and he is adorably sleeping next to me with Kona in his arms like a baby. I might just have to take a picture of this. Goodnight, sleep tight, I'm sleepin' in tomorrow!!

happy weekend

It's funny how some weekends are so fabulously fun and some are so disappointingly boring.
Luckily, this past weekend was the former.


I guess the fun wouldn't be so great if we didn't experience the hard and boring at other times.

Weirdly passionate about the content and perception of my blog

So, I've been wanting to use this blog as more of a journal because let's face it, I will never get back into the habit I had in high school of handwriting in a diary every night. Then again, if it's a journal, then it's personal and there are those things in life that you don't want to broadcast across the entire internet. I know I could put it on private, but that's just lame. So, I will probably just treat it as a journal and keep out the really personal/dramatic/feeling bad about myself at times/got in a fight with husband/woe is me/this friend is annoying me, blah, blah, blah STUFF and stick to normal things like my job, my husband, and my cat.

Blogs are interesting. They are all different in their own little ways and yet, so the same. Women blabbing about this and that has never bothered me because I was always one of those women. One time someone said to me that blogs were completely narcissistic and I got so embarrassed because I was afraid mine could fall into that category. Well of course it could! It's a website made by me devoted to my thoughts and my perspective. How could that not be a tad bit narcissistic? And I could say, "Oh, well I'm only posting so that my family can check and see what I've been up to" or "I am just using it to remember all the fun things I have done", but really I have no idea why I have this blog. I just have it, and you know what? I can write whatever I dang well please on it. Realistically, no one is hanging on my every word except me, so why worry about what to write or how to write it?

So this is my new pledge: To write on this blog like a journal and include whatever I want without worrying about sounding conceded or selfish or nice or a good wife, etc. I just want to be real.

And with that said, I can move on. I don't even know why I felt empowered to write that.

So for an update on life...same old, same old. Work is stressful, and that's a post for another day. The sun has finally decided to shine and I have finally decided to start studying for the GRE (which I am supposed to be taking this month). I am starting to question my entire life's plan and it's scary, but I'm sure I will just stick to what I've been planning on: apply for MFT schools (namely BYU), graduate, work for 8 months, go to grad school, get licensed, and have babies. But who knows, right now I'm feeling like there is a good chance I could suck at therapy, I may not get into the schools I want, and I may never bring myself to give birth. On a happier note, I'm starting to get really excited for Tess to come out for school and we are even in a class together! I can't wait to be with my sister again at least for a semester. We are thinking of maybe moving to GA or Salt Lake for the eight months between graduating and starting grad school, but we will most likely just stay here in our tiny basement apartment that we love so much. Life is good, but it just gets boring sometimes and that's the rut I'm in right now. Along with a buttload of stress. But before I know it, I will be graduated and on my way to grad school and I will look at this time and be thankful that I worked so much and tried so hard to reach my goals.

GA and Ellie

So....
WE WENT TO GEORGIA!
and it was hands down one of the best weeks ever.
Tess had no idea we were coming for her graduation and the surprise was perfect!

When we went to GA for Christmas, we both got super sick and couldn't enjoy any of the delicious food that the South had to offer....So this time, we stuffed ourselves!

This was by far the best seafood I have ever had!

Fancy caramel apples...

KFC at Stone Mtn....

and Southern BBQ in the mountains.

I reunited with my best friends

We stopped by Savannah, one of the most magical cities on earth.

And finally lounged on Hilton Head beach and swam in the ocean with dolphins galore!

Ed and I have gone into a deep depression now that we are back home and back at work, but that's just life I guess. Seriously though, my new life's goal is to make millions of dollars really fast so that I can travel around the world constantly and never have to work again.
Oh, that's your dream too? Thought so.
I cut my hair off! 9 inches to be exact and I love it. I'm also trying to get back in shape by doing RIPPED and Abs classes at BYU and oh my gosh, they are killer but so worth it.
I'm pretty much totally sick of working and that's all I will say about that.
But now for the best new of all.....My brother Ben and his wife Amy had their baby!
Her name is Ellie and she has won my heart. She is my very first real niece (other than my 23 nieces and nephews from Ed's side).

Ellie is such a little angel.

In the past week I have....

*Started and finished three big papers on the days they were due (procrastination at its finest)
*Listened to Kona whine about being in heat for the fourth month in a row
*Thoroughly enjoyed the Parenthood finale
*Made dinner maybe once?....ate out wayyyyy too much
*Officially started my new job WHICH I LOVE. and hate sometimes, but it's all good experience.
*Slow danced with my studly husband
*Missed a final.
bahahahahhahahahahahwwwwwwwwwwaaaahahahaha! FAIL.
No really, I did the worst thing a senior in college applying for grad school could possibly do. It was my clinical psych class and one of my favorites and I had a 97% in the class. But somehow, I just forgot to take it. HOW DID THAT HAPPEN? My only explanation is that I have been so stressed about starting my job and was there almost every day doing paperwork and meetings and shadowing and then I had to write those papers. I wish I had a better excuse, but really and truly, I just forgot. It was horrible and of course I was a crying mess. Even stupid people remember to take the final! I don't think I have ever even forgotten a small assignment, much less a final that is worth 20% of my grade! So anyway, I was so embarrassed that I only told Ed and one friend. I didn't even tell my mom when she congratulated me on being done with the semester (when finals were over...oops) because I didn't want to start into the crying thing again. I emailed three of my teacher's different email addresses twice each and she finally responded on Sunday night. That means she left me hanging for 4 whole days! I was dying, but it turns out she was hiking and camping in southern utah. Luckily, my teacher is an angel sent from heaven and let me take the test Monday morning. I got a 91% which kept my grade at an A and she didn't count off at all. Phew! That was lucky. Now on with my list.

*Found a new favorite restaurant thanks to our friends Joe and Sarah. Its called The Smoking Apple. You can ask Ed, I have been bringing it up like every five seconds since.
*Ate at my Grandpa's for Easter dinner and talked about rocks for two hours. Ed was literally enthralled. Grandpa loves his rocks. And Ed loves Grandpa.
*Started to try running again for the millionth time. Still horrible, but determined to get better.
*Dreamed there were ghosts tapping me on the back while I slept, that there was an explosion at the zoo and I was greeted by friendly wolves and then attacked by a cow but conquered it, and that it was New Years Eve and no one wanted to do the dishes. (those were three different dreams from this week, my mind isn't that creative in one night)

And now here I am with a horrible headache and the fear that I'm getting sick, but very content. It's been a crazy week, but somehow everything works out in the end.

help!

can't find my wedding video and FREAKING OUT

Country, Country, Country, Gwyneth.

It's official! I finally have a favorite actress. If someone asked me who my favorite was, I would usually say Rachel McAdams or Julia Roberts. But I've never really had good reasons except that I think Rachel McAdams is gorgeous and I love Steel Magnolias and Pretty Woman. In fact, most actresses really bug me with their provocativeness and playing the same character in every movie. If you know me, you know that I will automatically hate Scarlett Johanssen and Angelina Jolie in any and every movie (with the exception of Mr. and Mrs. Smith). But seriously Scarlett? Do you only accept roles where you are the slut of the ages and successfully lure every decent man around you? And Angelina, the tough but sexy secret agent who is always under cover. ALWAYS!

Well, Gwyneth is different. She's beautiful and talented. Not to mention she has one of the most amazing men on the planet for a husband. She's classy too. She's been on the top of my list for a while now, but last night I watched the movie "Country Strong" and LOVED IT! Let me preface that for my entire childhood and up until 7th grade I was full-on obsessed with country music. I grew up singing Toby Keith's "I Shoulda Been a Cowboy" with my dad when he would put me to bed and every word of Shania Twain's "Come on Over" album is still etched in my memory. I would sit right in front of my c.d. player with the lyrics in my hand and sing my heart out to every song. Then came Faith Hill, Dixie Chicks, Martina McBride, and my ex-boyfriend, Kenny Chesney. As I got older, even though I was in Georgia, country music for teenagers was definitely NOT cool, so I moved on to other genres.
Sooooo, all that to say, I like country music and if you don't, then maybe this movie isn't for you. Really though, Gwyneth does an amazing job playing her character. I pretty much cried through the entire movie and definitely plan on buying the soundtrack and dvd.

What I'm trying to say is that I love Gwyneth, love "Country Strong", and rekindled my love for country music.
Yee Haw!

Serenade Me

Obsessed with this song right now. Adele is the epitome of awesome.

Also loving thunder in Utah, but wishing I was hearing it in Georgia.

"Take Savings For A Spin"

Life is fun with him.

One piece of advice: marry your best friend, and you will be happy.

Top of the Mountain

Elder Holland said that the closer we get to the top of the summit of being an apostle the harder it is to continue.

Progression of Obsession = Cat Leash

Our sunshine, princess, and best friend.

Let me get real, I love animals. A little fanatically as you may already know, but let me just describe a little bit. Going to the zoo is one of my favorite activities (I have been to the Hogle Zoo three times in the past year). Going to the national zoo in D.C. with my family still goes down in history as one of the best days of my life. Another dream is the San Diego Zoo, which will hopefully be visited this summer sometime. My family knows me as a horse fanatic. I have an entire collection of porcelain and glass horses that all have special meaning to me. Up until I was probably 10, if I saw a horse while driving I screamed "HORSIE!!!!" and felt compelled to say horsie for as many horses that were in the field. So, if there were a bunch in a pasture, you better just know that I'm going to annoyingly scream horsie multiple times. We went to Utah about every two years when I was a kid to visit family, but one of the main reasons I would be excited to go was always to see more horses. Tess has taken horseback riding lessons for a few years now and I couldn't be more jealous. She can jump and everything. When I was a senior, I went with her once and got permission to ride with the other students in the arena for a while. I was ecstatic. Another horse freaked out for some reason and caused my horse to bolt into a full-on gallop. I was freaking out, but loving it at the same time. As the horse slowed down, I had completely come out of the stirrups and was barely hanging on. I knew I was going to fall off so I just spread my legs into a beautiful split (ballet dancer perks). I had one foot on the ground and one foot on top of the horse and my body was somewhere in the middle. Tess's teacher started clapping and claimed it was the most graceful fall off of a horse she had ever seen. Still now I occasionally neigh really loudly and Ed loves it. Okay so you get it, I love horses. Well, I also love dogs. Our family dog, Spur, was the best. I remember begging him to talk and telling him that I wouldn't tell anyone if he did, but I just needed to know that he could hear and understand me. I would sing songs to him, tried to teach him how to jump over things (unsuccessful), and video taped Tess shooting her own African safari movies starring Spur as a deadly and dangerous lion (these tapes are hilarious by the way, Tess is like 14, I will definitely be showing it to her husband to ensure full-on embarrassment). When I knew Spur was getting old and maybe should be put down or something, I was too afraid to talk about it with Tess. This one night we were laying on the roof of the house (not allowed, but we got around that) and we were looking at the stars silently. I said, "Tess, do you think Spur is going to die soon?" and we both just started crying and hugging each other. Oh gosh, I love my Spur boy.
And now we have Kona. Ed and I have been married for a year and 8 months today and we have had Kona for 7 months. The first year of marriage was great and fun and wonderful and all that gushy stuff, but it was also hard and new and different and all that difficult stuff. When we got Kona, I swear she made our marriage better. It sounds weird, but it's kinda like a baby, just not as extreme. She's something to laugh about together, take care of together, and love together. We often send each other pictures of her being cute or crazy on our phones during the day and always have a story to tell the other when we see each other at the end of the day. She sleeps in between us at night and we both baby talk to her constantly. We love her sooo much. For some reason, my whole life I kinda thought I wouldn't be a good parent. I'm not the typical mommie driven girl who sees a baby and absolutely has to hold it. In fact, I've always been pretty afraid of babies and avoided holding them. I'm getting better about that, but still, I always felt like I wouldn't be able to be an unconditional loving parent because I really sometimes get annoyed with kids. Okay I'm sounding so heartless, but anyway, loving Kona together has made me feel like Ed and I could love a baby together. It's cool. Now I know that our babies will be so loved and even though it's something that most other people would be like "DUH!", it really is a comforting thought for me and it's all thanks to Kona. I'm not hinting at any baby-making by the way, that's going to be years. Anyway, that's a really long explanation of why we love Kona and why the obsession has progressed to a harness and leash.

right now

stressed about a summer job
really really really love some friends right now (melanie, this is your shout out)
kinda don't like a few friends right now (none read this, don't worry, it's not you)
test this week? why am I just finding this out?
wish I was a supermodel
Kona is in heat again?
loving Parenthood right now
want to go to GA in May
need a haircut
why did I faint the other day? still baffled
miss my sister
someone broke my couch this weekend, but it's fine
is it really almost April? my life is going way too fast, but at the same time, winter couldn't be going any slower here in Utah
okay done. no more thoughts. a summer job would make me happy right now, but over-easy eggs and my purring kitty cat will have to do for now.

Potential

Sometimes I can be contemplative.
I think thoughts that I never say out loud. Not secrets, just personal. It's odd to think that only me knows my thoughts. Even when I'm talking to other people, I can think my own thoughts and they won't even know it. They won't be offended that I'm looking at their lips move as they talk and not listening to the words they are saying. I won't even hurt their feelings if I'm thinking that what they are saying is meaningless to me. Let's be real, sometimes it just is. I'm sure I say a lot of meaningless crap throughout the day. Really though, when I get contemplative, it's usually about the past or the future. Today I was thinking about 5th grade. I was going to marry Joey and he thought he was going to marry me, but neither of us had the guts to tell each other, I lost the spelling bee because I froze and spelled jump: Gump, I had to get my best friend Christie to tell me what was written on the board because I hadn't discovered that I needed glasses yet, and at Christie's birthday party I stood on a table and sang and danced to the entire Britney Spears c.d. as provocatively as a ten year old possibly could. I felt so cool in 5th grade. I had a best friend at school, a best friend at dance, a crush, an awesome teacher, long hair to my butt, and wore huge (and I mean huge) bows in my hair every day. I remember learning about the Clinton/Bush election in Social Studies and mapping sentences in Language Arts. I got my first bra (which I initially hated, but then thought was awesome) and since I got braces two years earlier, I got to be one of the first kids to show off perfectly straight teeth to my class when I came back from the orthodontist the day I got those train tracks off my teeth. The whole class oooed and ahhhed and
I. Was. So. Cool.
It's not that I'm not "cool" anymore, but I just like to remember that feeling. I am cool. Currently, I mean. When I say cool, I don't even know what I mean. Sometimes it's hard for me to think good things about myself, but I still always know I'm cool. There's something about me that I like and I can use descriptive words like funny, motivated, or loving, but really it's kinda that same feeling of when I was in 5th grade. I probably didn't know what cool was then either, but I just knew I was special for some reason. I had no concept of what I would realistically be when I grew up, but I knew I would somehow succeed. I was going to be a professional dancer, duh! And that is success. Even now, I don't know what my life will be like, but I know I will succeed. Somehow, I will be "cool" my whole life because EVERY PERSON IS. I wish everyone knew this. I wish everyone knew that they were children of God and that they have the potential to do more than they can even imagine, and even when they don't use their potential, THEY ARE STILL SPECIAL. I've just been writing what's on my mind without knowing where my thoughts would end up, and now it's like an epiphany that I know where these thoughts are coming from. It comes from the state hospital where I see cuts and pain and young people who I know have tried to commit suicide. It's extreme and disturbing and more than anything it is so sad. I go back in my mind to my thoughts during high school and they were SO self-destructive. If we only knew our potential. If we could just see ourselves as our Heavenly Father does.
Wow, this entire post has been so easy to write and now I'm stuck, I've got nothing to follow that last sentence up. I can't tell you how good it feels to go back to 5th grade in my mind. I'm going to be 21 on Sunday and I want to live this year knowing that I'm cool. I want to recreate my confidence and recreate my attitude. My future is just a long path of more and more potential and I will not waste it.
Those are my contemplative thoughts for today.

Negative Nancy

Welp, I'm grumpy. Today was just one of those days, so blah. So stressful. I began and ended a full on research paper on dissociative identity disorder, hooray. I know everything there is to know about it so if you think you have it (which I'm sure you don't), I'm an expert (not really). I volunteered at the hospital and that went well: played some ping pong, speed, and colored shamrock pictures. Didn't wear green, not on purpose or anything, just didn't feel like it. Watched Les Mis on tv which was amazing, but I was writing the paper during it so I was mostly just annoyed that I couldn't really watch it. Watched BYU basketball dominate and missed my boy Brandon on the court, but luckily they showed him a couple times sitting on the side. It's okay, I'm really into Abouo now anyway. Kona ate glue today that Ed was using on his bike stuff that says "IF INGESTED, PLEASE SEEK IMMEDIATE MEDICAL HELP" (and that's for a human). crap. She's still alive though, so hopefully she stays that way? I just went to the store to buy Gatorade for Ed and Almond Joys for me to eat on the 9 hour ride to Arizona. I still have to shower, blowdry, and straighten my hair and I'm getting up at 5 am. Ugh! You know what I mean? This day is so BLAH! Oh well. To be honest, I'm not very hopeful that this weekend will be so great either (I know I sound depressing, but sometimes I just am). Long story short, Ed has a race on Saturday in Arizona it's like the Regional Collegiate thing that leads to Nationals so it's a big deal to him and I want to see him race, BUT we have to travel in 12 person vans with the BYU trialthon club. It's just annoying because 1. they are tools and all they will talk about is triathlon which I have heard enough of, 2. we have to stick to their schedule, all 38 of them, 3. instead of leaving after the race we aren't leaving until after church on Sunday so we won't be back until late Sunday night and I have another paper due Monday that I haven't started. I'm done listing reasons, there are more, but I don't feel like it.

On a lighter note:
I milked a cow
Tess got into BYU
My birthday is really soon
My friend told me yesterday that I would be perfect on a season of the real housewives. It could be taken as a compliment or a major dis, but I'm taking it as the former because Ed and I LOVE the real housewives and no matter how dumb and petty they are, they are all divas.
Happy Saint Patrick's Day

I'm off to wallow. Goodnight.

hoping today is better than thursday

Monday, success
holiday, homework
target trip = two $3 shirts on clearance
Tuesday, success
night class was canceled
made baked mac & cheese for dinner, three cheeses, delicious!
Wednesday, success
finished my block class, yes!
Mcdonalds fries and pies for dinner
Thursday, FAIL
saw a black and white kitten on BYU campus and thought it was Kona = major freak out. left early from work to get the state hospital, forgot keys, climbed through the window that is not even a foot wide, got stuck with lower half of my body in the house and upper half out, contemplated screaming for help to the students walking to school, dropped into the basement scraping my entire right side. surprised I didn't cry. got ready to leave with minutes to spare and can't find keys to drive there. then I do cry. call ed, keys are in his church pants pocket hanging in the closet (me screaming as I leave, late). clean house, watch the bachelor, go to sleep.
Friday, success
I was warned by my friend, "I don't mean to alarm you Amanda, but there is a herd of unicorns on your shirt" haha made me laugh (one of my favorite shirts)
Ed won his basketball game 56 to 30
watched the movie "Get Low", made me cry.
Saturday, undecided
took a practice GRE exam, probably failed but I've got time
salt lake tonight, the gateway, mongolian bbq, neices and nephews

Longing for Summer

It dawned on me today that I hate the winter. No, I utterly and completely loath it! Aside from Christmas, winter is good for nothing but being pale, cold, wet, and depressed. It's also stressful. With the end of one semester and the beginning of another semester there is enough stress to cause a psychotic breakdown. Unless of course you live in Utah and the winter lasts until freaking April! Anyway, my dislike for winter leads me to believe that everything good happens in the summer. I'll even prove it to you: For starters, you've got my wedding and honeymoon, which in turns leads to my anniversary every year. Then there's the 4th of July and no school. Don't forget the SUN which allows for tanness, warmness, greenness, and the ability to go outside. All in all, I wish it was summer, but it's not and therefore I am sad. All I can do now is take a trip in my mind to last summer.

Summer = party in St. Martin

Summer = more parting in St. Martin

Summer = baby goats!

Summer = little kiddies to play with

Summer = camping

Summer = triathlons, Spudman, anniversary, and GREEN!

And finally, THIS OUTFIT could only be pulled off by Ed and only in the summertime.

I and Love and You

Happy Valentines Day