Thursday, August 28, 2014

Risk to be real.

"There'll be a falling out that I've no wish to see
If we don't call each other out
Then we will both get off scott free
And you can be you and I'll get to stay me"

This Rachael Yamagata song played tonight and it reminded me of couples in therapy and then it reminded me of myself at times. It feels safer not to mention anything, not to make ripples in any relationship. But that's such a lie! It's so much more genuinely safe to have REAL relationships. The kind where you can actually be yourself and the other person can be themselves. And the real selves may drive each other mad sometimes, but it's all out on the table. All the frustration and hurt is on the table as well as all the love. Change is a scary thing. Every one of my clients wants so deeply for life to be different, but all of them have some sense of fear that if they try, they may still be unhappy or that the trying is too painful/scary/different. I get it. I hate change, it takes me a really long time to adjust to things. And most times, I have a terrible attitude about it. I'm pessimistic, thinking of the worst that could happen (anxiety). And when things don't go smoothly, I blame someone or something. Then when that doesn't do the trick, I blame myself for being weak, emotional, or scared of life. Yeesh, self this unknown corner of the internet. Those last words, "I'll get to stay me", they sound so comfortable. But just because we are comfortable, doesn't mean we are being real. It's actually pretty UNcomfortable to be real nowadays. I think part of me is always resisting change or directions from others, you know that thing where someone tells you to do something, even lightly suggests or tiptoes around it and it's automatically like, "yeah, no", just because someone else said it? That's me 100%. Unless you are someone I really look up to and then I will believe anything and everything you say. I'm just writing over here, feeling really thankful that I have a handful of people in my life who I do feel comfortable enough to be myself, admit to my mistakes, and make ripples. The only reason I know I can do this is because I've been brave enough to risk it and then in turn, these people have responded with acceptance and understanding. Sometimes even praise. It feels so good to be your ugly, imperfect self that you started hiding back in elementary school because you thought it wasn't cool and to have people say, "I actually love that about you". But they can never say that to you if you don't risk it! You may be rejected. People might turn away saying, "You're too honest" or, "You're not fitting into my idea of you". And of course that hurts. But you try again. And you find the people who are worth showing. Those are the people who say, "Hey, you're kinda weird, and it's kind of refreshing, I think I'll be weird with you!". And that's a match. Thank you husband, sister, brother, best friends, parents, select in-laws, kids, and pets who give me the space to be myself. It's been a journey, one in which I will always be on. Being brave enough to own who you are and your emotions is something I will always respect in others and strive for. That's why therapy clients are as brave as they come.

Okay, done.

Monday, June 9, 2014

Post grad school

I'm sitting here in my bed, wondering why I even have a blog. It's basically my journal I guess (that I never write in). Life after grad school is well...boring, very adult, a bit lonely, freedom, nostalgia, and good self-care. It's so many things. Some things are good, like having free time to focus on my health, mental sanity, and husband. But other parts are less good, like not being around people, not constantly learning new information, and having more feelings of responsibility. Even though I have much less "stuff" to do, I feel more pressure on me to make money, get licensed, and make this degree useful. At first, watching hours of t.v., having alone time, and reading my choice of books was great, but now it's pretty boring and lonely. I will say though, getting paid to do therapy is a very nice change.

Anyway, I obviously have mixed emotions about it and could keep writing for a few pages on that. 

Life lately has been good. Ed and I have started a new diet that might kill me. It's no sugar, no flour, and low fat. It literally cuts out everything good and tasty. Every day we eat greek yogurt, vegetables, fruits minus bananas, chicken, and the occasional wild rice or couscous. Also boiled eggs. That may not sound so horrible, but day after day, I'm going crazy. I'm literally having dreams about sugar. Two nights ago in my dream, there was a great party outside on the lawn with a bonfire and dancing with all my family and best friends. I stopped by in a bakery shop to order some treats for the party (this was during the day when the party was just getting started). Then the owner of the shop, a sweet old lady, offered me the bowl to lick. She had just made some cake batter. I gladly accepted and licked the bowl clean. Then she kept offering me bowl after bowl: cookie dough, brownie batter, even caramel for making caramel apples. I COULD NOT stop. I saw the party outside and by this time it was pitch black outside, I was missing the whole party, but I couldn't tear myself away from the treats. When I finally pulled myself away from the bakery and went to the party, it started raining and everyone ran away.

I won't even get into the dream I had last night about being at Molly's, one of my favorite places to eat. Yikes, I never knew how much I loved sugar and it's literally in everything! The diet is working so far, so I'm keeping with it. Ed is a champ and is doing it with me to be supportive. He obviously has nothing to lose in the body fat department, but it's so much easier when your spouse is on board too.

In other news, we are planning an awesome trip with our friends to California soon. I can't wait to sink my feet in the sand and laugh until I cry. Also, Tess is coming home from her mission! Now I know I shouldn't be too excited about this because she wasn't supposed to be coming home until December and she's having really painful health problems, but I'm actually so happy!

I started a quilt. Yes, I'm that bored.
I'm reading books. Yes, I'm that bored. 
I'm going to the rec center every day and doing insanity, piyo, and u-jam good!
Ed is still working like 5 jobs and trying to finish his thesis.
Kona is more cuddly and comes in between us each night to get pet, purr, and stays there for about an hour while we are falling asleep.
Pearl is a dog. Who knew we were getting a puppy when we took her from Reagan's farm. She rolls in the dirt, digs holes outside, and yelps like a puppy. And yes, she still sucks on my ear, only mine :)

Lots of my friends just had babies or are pregnant. To say I'm baby hungry is an understatement, but I'm still deathly afraid of being pregnant. Oh and that being a mom thing seems really hard too.

I'm writing all around the map, but what I really wanted to do was record how I'm feeling at this time right now, trying to be more mindful. So right this moment, at 11:18 PM, I'm hungry, a tad stressed about my sessions tomorrow, I feel happy about making progress in my goals, I'm giddy about talking to Tess, and I'm glancing at Kona sleep at the end of the bed wishing I was her. 

I wrote this as a draft while mourning the end of my masters degree.

But really, who knew graduating with my masters degree would be so emotional? I have cried just about every other day in the shower when I think about my cohort and how much the MFT program has meant to me. I'm just overwhelmed with the feeling of ending this and having to move on, knowing it will never be the same again. The last two years have been the best years of my life. I have grown more than I could ever know and learned lessons that I couldn't have learned any other way. The people I have spent the last two years with will forever be special to me. Today after I got home from our closing banquet, I just cried. And when we all stood up to be honored and everyone was clapping, and I looked around the room and my whole cohort standing. I locked eyes with a few and had this overwhelming feeling of joy and love. I love them like I've never loved a group of people. Each person means something different to me and has taught me something important about being a human. Words don't describe how grateful I am for the blessing to have been in this program with these people at this time.