Sunday, January 29, 2012

Rants In My Head

My mind is going crazy with so many thoughts. Last night I felt so many things: anxious all around, angry with situations, hopeful for mine and others' futures, sad for a few realities, awkward because of an unusual experience, scared because I looked up way too much information on cereal killers, and happy to spend time with my sister and have her be my therapist for the night. Oh a therapist. What is that anyway? I'm supposedly going to be one, shouldn't I know? I work with a bunch of them and interact with them on a daily basis. I encourage everyone I know to go to therapy or to trust the therapist they already have. But I've been telling myself to go to my own therapy for over two years now and still haven't. What is that all about? I tried once, but I couldn't schedule an appointment for three months so I just gave up. And now I get to go sell myself next Monday in front of a bunch of experienced therapists with PHD's from 9 am to 5:30 on how much I want to learn to be a therapist just like them. I do believe that anyone and everyone can benefit from therapy and that no one is too good for it or should be ashamed for going. We all have problems, inadequacies, and the need to feel heard. Even me. Especially me. I love that everyone always says the people who go into psychology/therapy are the ones who have problems themselves. Well that may be so, but I think it's also the people who care about human behavior and how to maximize on that behavior to help create the best possible situation for someone else. We will see. I know I'm just second guessing myself because I'm scared I might fail. You know that thing where you think you might fail so you start thinking of reasons why you may not even want to succeed anyway, so that you might feel better when/if you do fail. There is a psychological term I learned in social psych to define it, but I can't remember. Yeah, I'm definitely doing that. I do want to be a therapist. I want to help others, bottom line. I want to help myself build a career and provide for my family. I want to learn from these experienced professionals and work my butt off to write a thesis and discover something important. I want to do something that means something to me, and I think this is it. I know if I don't do it I will regret that for the rest of my life. I'm not the stay at home mommy type. Not right now at least. I need something for myself, my own little project. My dream is to be the official therapist for something like The American Ballet Theater because I know for sure that every professional ballet dancer could use a little bit of mental help. But realistically, that dream is not going to happen. Instead I'll have my own small ballet company and do probably 15 hours of therapy a week. Kids will get thrown into this mix eventually and probably take over my life. I will probably devote all my time to them and by then I'll and have some very large dogs and a grassy yard with a fence. Ideally a horse ranch. Well, ideally my horses will be living at Tess' horse ranch nearby my beautiful house with a wrap around porch and a swing. I wouldn't mind living in the house my parents live in now, but who knows. Anyway, I'm ending this post. I miss my husband right now, but luckily I've got Tess. I feel better now. Time to start a new week. Goodnight!

Friday, January 20, 2012

Life in 2012

I decided to make Ed's dreams come true for Christmas and I bought him an Xbox with Kinect, so as you can imagine, we have watched 6 seasons of How I Met Your Mother on Netflix and lots of Downton Abbey. I started my new job as the Study Hall teacher and I'm floating right along, trying to get used to working there every day instead of every other day. Sometimes you need a major break from those kids, but I will get used to it. I actually like it a lot, it's relaxed and I feel more helpful because I can actually see their progress more concretely. Today was not the best day at work, but most days are really good. I got bangs again and I like them a lot better this time around. They are fun to have and don't take near as much work as I expected. I'm slowly changing my diet back to the healthy stuff and using myfitnesspal again and it's working so far. I've just got to get the habit of working out every day after work. I became a real BYU Employee, parking in A lots and retirement benefits included. Yes, it's pretty official. I started teaching my ballet class and the first week was terrible, they barely knew what plie's were, but we're working on it. The second class went way better and they decided they want their recital to be black swan-ish so that should be fun. I love ballet, have I said that before? Just showing the simple combinations of plies and fondus made me happy again. Now can I have a trumpet sound effect? The greatest of all, I got an interview for the MFT program at BYU! I am beyond nervous, but it does give me a boost of confidence to know that if all else fails at least I've made it this far. The best part about 2012 is having no homework. I never realized how great it would be to see all the students walking past my house every day and laughing at them because they are still in school and I'm not (evil laughing). More news, we may go to St. Martin again this summer with my parents! It will depend on cost, but it would be so fun if we could go yet again for our third time together reliving our honeymoon. Another less wonderful thing, our new neighbors. I could literally PUNCH them (Tess has been teaching me some pretty intense Muay Thia punches). One of these days I'm going to snap and cuss them out, I'm sure of it. I realized today, I am around a whole lot more males than females on a daily basis and I hope I'm not losing my girliness, if that's possible. I mean, I'm still having Bachelor parties on Monday nights and putting on makeup, but without ballet or any constant interaction with females from school or my coding job, I feel I'm becoming even more boyish than Ed! I've always farted, burped, put off shaving my legs, etc., but I'm not really getting my girl talk on as much as I'd like. It's hard to explain, luckily I've got my sister and two amazing friends that I see every week. Sometimes I just talk to Kona and pretend she's listening to me. Ed does it too, I can sometimes hear him in the other room chatting to her. In fact, he just said in a whiney voice, "Kona, you're making me sad because you're being lame. You're just like mom, so stubborn. You're both stubborn ladies" (yes, I am "mom"). Oh yes, a small diamond fell out of my ring. No worries though, I've got a lifetime warranty on that baby and they will definitely replace it. I'm writing the randomest of things in this post so I'll wrap it up.

Life is good. I miss my parents. I will be skinny. I will conquer the world with my MFT skills one day. I love Ed. That pretty much sums it up.