Tuesday, August 27, 2013


You know those times when you start crying for non-obvious reasons and your husband says, "what?" and then you're crying more and can't say anything because you might start gasping if you tried to talk, and your husband is starting to hug you (which makes you cry more), and everyone's confused, even you, and then you try to pin down what's making you so sad and weepy. Luckily this time your husband is genuinely trying to understand when really he's thinking, "what the heck? I guess I'll just hug her?". And still, I haven't pinned it down completely. I could write it off and tell myself it was just a fluke, but people don't just cry for no reason (I'm not pregnant if that was your next question)...I have a few legitimate reasons to cry right now. Who doesn't? Crying is therapeutic for me. I really do feel better now. My process is that I'll feel an emotion strongly but push through it without being very aware and then all of a sudden (a week later, a day later, a month later), it hits me with tears and I realize how sad/stressed/overwhelmed/crazy I feel and then I'm much better for at least being aware of it. That's what has happened to me since middle school. I think I need to meditate more or journal. I think we should all shed tears sometimes. Everyone; dads, husbands, even strong women will do better if they can just cry a little sometimes. Anyway, I'll get off my soap box. I start up life again tomorrow. I'm buckling down for the hardest semester of my entire life, but the silver lining is that it's the second to last semester ever. No PHD for me!

Oh ya, we got a ticket today. Actually two. F the police. And I literally almost said that to the cop as he walked away from our car to let us leave. And I regret not saying it.


(I wrote this last sunday and forgot to post it) (I'm back from Idaho now)

Someone that I met last night told me, "I'm glad we got to talk, you make me feel jolly for some reason". It may have been the best compliment I've ever gotten. It made my week. I wasn't doing therapy and I wasn't trying to be charming or make anyone feel "jolly". In fact, before she said it, I was thinking the same thing about her. I love when you meet people and you just click for some reason and meeting that person makes you want to be better yourself. Sometimes I feel like I give a lot and I never know what my impact is on people. It's nice to know that something about me was good in that moment with that stranger.

Another thing made me jolly last night: seeing my niece, Ellie. She is truly God's little creation and I love her with all of my heart! And she knows my name now, which makes my heart jump a little with excitement.

Today was bittersweet at church, Ed was released from his calling in the Bishopric of the single's ward. I thought I would be rejoicing a little bit more, but I'm actually more sad than anything. I think we will always look back on the last year of our lives and say, "Oh...the single's ward....(sigh)". And that phrase will be said with a tone of nostalgia, thankfulness, and relief.

We could look back on the last year and say a lot of things. The F word would be fitting again, but also so many good words. I've never felt more stressed, and I've never felt more blessed.

I'm in a good mood today, I need to write a final and then we are off to Idaho. It is a much needed break from reality. 

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

F word

The "F word" is making a consistent reappearance in my dreams lately...

...and that's the best update on my life I could possibly type right now. 

Lately (in my dreams) that word is perfect for when sharks are biting off my legs (Shark Week correlation), when my best friend Janie won't dye her hair dark and I want her to, and when I'm in the dressing room in my studio in Georgia and all my leotards have been strewn about on the ground. I'm laughing as I type now, but in the dreams, I am so seriously stressed out it seems like my eyeballs will pop out of my head. 

But really, I do love my life and feel extremely lucky to be doing what I'm doing. I'm blessed to have met the amazing people I've met in the last year and had the experiences I've had. I've learned more about life and myself in the last year than I have in my lifetime. Let's just hope I can make it until the end! I will. I'm fine. I'm convincing myself. 

Now I've got to go laugh my head off to America's Funniest Home Videos on Youtube with Edweirdo. Hopefully that will give me good dreams?