Monday, June 9, 2014

Post grad school

I'm sitting here in my bed, wondering why I even have a blog. It's basically my journal I guess (that I never write in). Life after grad school is well...boring, very adult, a bit lonely, freedom, nostalgia, and good self-care. It's so many things. Some things are good, like having free time to focus on my health, mental sanity, and husband. But other parts are less good, like not being around people, not constantly learning new information, and having more feelings of responsibility. Even though I have much less "stuff" to do, I feel more pressure on me to make money, get licensed, and make this degree useful. At first, watching hours of t.v., having alone time, and reading my choice of books was great, but now it's pretty boring and lonely. I will say though, getting paid to do therapy is a very nice change.

Anyway, I obviously have mixed emotions about it and could keep writing for a few pages on that. 

Life lately has been good. Ed and I have started a new diet that might kill me. It's no sugar, no flour, and low fat. It literally cuts out everything good and tasty. Every day we eat greek yogurt, vegetables, fruits minus bananas, chicken, and the occasional wild rice or couscous. Also boiled eggs. That may not sound so horrible, but day after day, I'm going crazy. I'm literally having dreams about sugar. Two nights ago in my dream, there was a great party outside on the lawn with a bonfire and dancing with all my family and best friends. I stopped by in a bakery shop to order some treats for the party (this was during the day when the party was just getting started). Then the owner of the shop, a sweet old lady, offered me the bowl to lick. She had just made some cake batter. I gladly accepted and licked the bowl clean. Then she kept offering me bowl after bowl: cookie dough, brownie batter, even caramel for making caramel apples. I COULD NOT stop. I saw the party outside and by this time it was pitch black outside, I was missing the whole party, but I couldn't tear myself away from the treats. When I finally pulled myself away from the bakery and went to the party, it started raining and everyone ran away.

I won't even get into the dream I had last night about being at Molly's, one of my favorite places to eat. Yikes, I never knew how much I loved sugar and it's literally in everything! The diet is working so far, so I'm keeping with it. Ed is a champ and is doing it with me to be supportive. He obviously has nothing to lose in the body fat department, but it's so much easier when your spouse is on board too.

In other news, we are planning an awesome trip with our friends to California soon. I can't wait to sink my feet in the sand and laugh until I cry. Also, Tess is coming home from her mission! Now I know I shouldn't be too excited about this because she wasn't supposed to be coming home until December and she's having really painful health problems, but I'm actually so happy!

I started a quilt. Yes, I'm that bored.
I'm reading books. Yes, I'm that bored. 
I'm going to the rec center every day and doing insanity, piyo, and u-jam good!
Ed is still working like 5 jobs and trying to finish his thesis.
Kona is more cuddly and comes in between us each night to get pet, purr, and stays there for about an hour while we are falling asleep.
Pearl is a dog. Who knew we were getting a puppy when we took her from Reagan's farm. She rolls in the dirt, digs holes outside, and yelps like a puppy. And yes, she still sucks on my ear, only mine :)

Lots of my friends just had babies or are pregnant. To say I'm baby hungry is an understatement, but I'm still deathly afraid of being pregnant. Oh and that being a mom thing seems really hard too.

I'm writing all around the map, but what I really wanted to do was record how I'm feeling at this time right now, trying to be more mindful. So right this moment, at 11:18 PM, I'm hungry, a tad stressed about my sessions tomorrow, I feel happy about making progress in my goals, I'm giddy about talking to Tess, and I'm glancing at Kona sleep at the end of the bed wishing I was her. 

I wrote this as a draft while mourning the end of my masters degree.

But really, who knew graduating with my masters degree would be so emotional? I have cried just about every other day in the shower when I think about my cohort and how much the MFT program has meant to me. I'm just overwhelmed with the feeling of ending this and having to move on, knowing it will never be the same again. The last two years have been the best years of my life. I have grown more than I could ever know and learned lessons that I couldn't have learned any other way. The people I have spent the last two years with will forever be special to me. Today after I got home from our closing banquet, I just cried. And when we all stood up to be honored and everyone was clapping, and I looked around the room and my whole cohort standing. I locked eyes with a few and had this overwhelming feeling of joy and love. I love them like I've never loved a group of people. Each person means something different to me and has taught me something important about being a human. Words don't describe how grateful I am for the blessing to have been in this program with these people at this time.